Documented my changes and progress having been on testosterone as a transgender man for 28 days today.
Warnings in this for discussion of (positively discussed) weight gain, chest-centred dysphoria, and then some mentions of sex drive and bottom growth.
A month ago, I wrote an article on Day #1 of my testosterone journey, where I detailed the difficulty in getting hold of the testosterone I was prescribed, and how beyond the moon I was to finally be on it.
A disclaimer — your own responses to testosterone will pretty much always be decided by your own genetics and stuff like that, and your timeline on testosterone might not match mine; some of the effects I mention, you might not even experience, or might have the opposite! Everyone’s response to testosterone is different, and it’s important to remember that.
A month in, I’m simultaneously impatient for the big changes, but also really surprised by the number of changes I’ve experienced and the extent of them!
So, firstly, I’m prescribed 2 pumps of Testogel every day. Testogel is a topical testosterone gel that I sort of slather onto my shoulders every morning, ordinarily at around 6am: 2 pumps, according to the box, is a dose of 2.5g per day, and the quantity of testosterone applied to the skin in that dosage is 40.5mg.
On the dosage I’m on, a bottle is meant to last 28 days, but mine still has a good bit left in it, so I feel like I’ve perhaps been too modest with my pumps, and I will say that because “pump” is so vague, it’s kind of difficult to measure exactly? But I’ve been pleased with my progress so far, so I’m probably going to keep up the way I’ve already been doing it.
Initially I was extremely reticent to use Testogel, because I had a lot of worries about how ineffective it was if one sweated, particularly because testosterone causes night sweats and the like, but in all honesty, I haven’t actually had any trouble with it — the gel, once applied to the skin, dries incredibly quickly, and although in the first few days I shivered a lot when I had to hang out shirtless for it to dry, the cool morning air doesn’t bother me as much as it did (in large part, I expect, because of the testosterone).
I’m really picky about some textural stuff, and initially I did find the process of applying it extremely uncomfortable, because it’s a gel you sort of have to slather on, but I did get used to it — what I will say is that with Testogel, you have to wash your hands and ensure that you’re not accidentally passing some of your dose onto other people through physical contact, and the smell of the alcohol that makes it up is very strong. I don’t live with a partner or family, so I haven’t really been worrying about the former, but as regards the latter, when I’ve had some spots on my back, the alcohol in the gel has stung a little bit, and you do have to be aware of where you’re applying it to make sure you don’t give yourself a nasty shock.
I’m going to segment everything into little headed sections so that if you do have dysphoria about any particular aspect, you’ll be able to zoom straight past it. I’ve been doing a sort of daily diary on my Twitter, where I’ve been documenting changes as I’ve noticed them, and it’s been really, really great, honestly.
Skin & Sweating
The first thing I noticed once I started testosterone, within the first day or so, is now abruptly greasy and oily my skin felt.
I’ve always had very clear skin, mostly having just scattered spots here and there, and when I got my prescription I actually did an impromptu survey of some of the other men in my family, namely my father and grandfather, asking if they had acne when they were teenagers, and if they had a lot of trouble with it. Both of them said no, and because during my first puberty I didn’t have a huge problem with it, I was very hopeful that I wouldn’t have any big troubles this time around.
Broadly, I was correct!
I have had more spots — there’s a particularly large, stubborn one on my chin at the moment, and I’ve had a few more pronounced spots than usual particularly on my forehead and across my cheeks, but I haven’t had any huge break outs of spots.
I’ve definitely had more spots on my back, and my grandmother, who has been known to have prophetic dreams once in a while, actually said to me on the phone last week, awash with concern, “You know, I had a dream you had a horrible rash on your back,” to which I said, embarrassed, “They’re just spots, Granny.”
They do sometimes itch something terrible, though, and I keep having to remember to be careful not to scratch at them too vigorously.
The oil in my face aside, I’ve definitely been sweating more — for the first two weeks, I experienced night sweats on and off, and my sleep was regularly — and still is — interrupted. Whether that’s as a result of the actual testosterone or the medication I take for my asthma or my asthma itself, it’s difficult to say — what I will say is despite all that, I broadly have been feeling more rested.
I haven’t noticed any extreme body odour, even when I exercise a lot and sweat a fair bit, but I’ve never had problems with body odour even when I was a teenager. I do think my scent has changed somewhat, and it definitely has more of a, I don’t know, a musk to it? But it isn’t overwhelmingly strong or unpleasant.
Appetite & Energy Levels
For the first two weeks, within two days or so of starting my prescription, my appetite was insane.
I’m someone who’s struggled with regularly eating my whole life, not because of any concern about eating, but because I often get distracted and miss meals once I get focused on a task, and I struggle with routine; I often don’t realise I’m hungry until I’m really hungry, and subsequently, I forget to eat meals.
Testosterone makes me really hungry.
I’m not at all struggling to remember to eat three meals a day at the moment, and of those meals, I’m also eating much bigger portions than I ordinarily would have been able to, let alone than I ordinarily would, and it’s been a super positive thing for me. I don’t count calories, because I think calories are a really unhealthy way of thinking about food on the everyday, but I’ve definitely noticed that I’ve got more of an appetite for carbohydrates and very much for protein, particularly red meat, and I’ll have cravings I wouldn’t ordinarily.
With the boosted hunger, I had a similarly boosted rate of energy, and I’ve just felt far more motivated and ready to do things than I have in a very long time — at the beginning of the month, I was walking 25-minutes to the bus stop in the morning, working a full day as a porter, and then walking 25-minutes back up the steep hill home, and honestly, I would come home and still feel I had energy to spare.
What I will say is for the past two weeks,I’ve got some sort of cold at the moment (it’s not Covid-19: I was tested), and because of my asthma it’s taking me quite a bit of time to recover from it — as a result of that, though, I’ve been way more tired than usual, and I suspect that my appetite and energy levels should be higher than they are because of the testosterone, but that I’m not experiencing them in the latter half of the month because of the cold.
With that said, I’m still eating a lot more and still generally feeling better than I usually would with one of these lingering colds? So I do think it still is having a noticeable effect.
As well as having a bigger appetite, I do think I’ve generally been thirstier — I try to keep hydrated throughout the day anyway, and always like to have a glass of something beside me so I’m constantly drinking while I do other tasks, but I’ve noticed being thirstier easier and drinking what drinks I do have faster.
I’ve definitely needed to pee more than I think I ordinarily would, even drinking more, and apparently that’s because testosterone affects the body’s water retention. I just wanted to make a note of it as it is a side effect I hadn’t heard of before despite doing a lot of research, and I don’t think it’s widely talked about.
Weight Gain, Fat Redistribution, & Muscle Tone
Okay, just want to note I don’t regularly weigh myself because I try not to focus too much on the numbers, because I tend to end up anxious about them. I’ve pretty much always been underweight, because of a combination of forgetting meals, naturally not having an extremely big appetite, and also having a very fast metabolism.
I would say that my weight normally hovers at around 106lb/48kg, but over the past month I’ve gained weight slowly and steadily, and I’m now at around 112lb/51kg.
I’m hoping over time for this trend to continue — just having gained what weight I already have, I don’t immediately begin to shiver when I’m shirtless, and I definitely find that I’m far less sensitive to cooler temperatures than I ordinarily am. This is actually one of the things I was most excited about when it came to starting T, as much as a lot of people tend to talk very negatively about weight, because I get so cold so easily, and also because I get sick so easily, and I know both of those are associated with being underweight.
I’ve definitely noticed a lot of the redistribution across my body — my chest has dropped ridiculously in size, and I’m now probably the most flat-chested I’ve been since I was a teenager, but I’m still a healthy weight. That’s like… Unthinkable for me — ordinarily, when I gain or lose weight, I see it pretty much entirely in my chest and my backside, and so to be gaining weight but also seeing my chest get smaller is such an incredible relief.
I have a naturally pronounced hourglass figure that I actually do like, and which I still do see when I look in the mirror, but the difference between my waist and hips is slightly less extreme now, and I’ve definitely seen a big difference in the muscle tone, particularly in my arms and my calves. When I flex, I can really see the muscles shift obviously in a way I haven’t before, and my arms especially seem to be a good deal bigger than they were.
I wouldn’t say I’ve become way more strong, but I have been doing more exercise — nothing extreme, mostly push-ups and sit-ups on the Wii fit — and I have definitely accidentally smashed a few eggs because my hands have been a bit stronger than I remembered when I’m trying to crack the shell to fry an egg.
Face Shape Changes
So, obviously, in the first month, you’re not going to experience exaggerated changes in the shape of your face, and in taking selfies, even if they weren’t always taken from subtly different angles or in different lighting, it’s difficult to measure subtle differences in face shape.
With that said, I’ve definitely noticed subtle changes.
A big part of it has been looking at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, I kept finding myself looking at my face after about 10 days, and finding that it looked subtly different, but not really being able to figure out exactly how, just that it looked different to before.
Even looking at photos side-by-side, or looking at early days selfies compared with my face in the mirror, I’ve been like “oh no, I can see a difference” one moment, and then “I’m imagining it, I’m crazy”, the next.
I do think there are subtle changes in the shape of my face — testosterone primarily changes face shape by redistributing fat in the face, which can make the jaw look broader or have a harder line, change the shape of the cheeks, and makes your face look slightly wider.
Very subtly, I do think the shape of the top of my cheeks has slightly changed, so that they have a marginally straighter angle, my brows have changed subtly in angle, and several times I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and had a moment of delight and surprise, because like… I’m beginning to actually have a jaw.
I don’t have one yet! But I’m beginning to actually have a noticeable jawline, and I can’t begin to say now like… excited I am, because even though there’s not a huge thing visible in my face right now, I feel like I can kind of see the ghost of the face I’m going to have, and the clues in that direction? And that’s super exciting.
I’m really interested to see if my nose gets bigger, because I’ve seen a lot of men mention that, and ditto my ears, but it’s just a matter of the waiting game. I’ve always looked a lot like my mother, and I’m really interested as time goes on to see if I start to look more like her father, or if I start to look more like my dad, because I definitely have his eyebrows, nose, and mouth, but most of my face shape is modeled after my mother.
Only time will tell!
Hair
So… My dad is bald.
He’s got hair on the sides, and he’s got a really strong beard growth and incredible eyebrows I’m very grateful to have inherited, but on the top of his head he’s really bald — for that reason, I’ve been worried about losing some hair, as well as my hairline generally receding, but I’ve not noticed even a small recession of my hairline so far. It’s just the first month, so it’s far from a guarantee, but as it stands, my hair is as incredibly thick as it ever has been. My dad’s dad had good hair until he died, and my mum’s dad still has a great head of hair today, so my fingers are crossed.
I’ve got my gross little teenage boy ‘stache, but I’ve had that even before I started testosterone — last night, I noticed that I’m starting to show more hair around my jawline. It’s super subtle, and I don’t think it’s actually new hair growth, I think it’s just the hair that’s already there beginning to grow in darker, and maybe slightly thicker? But I’m extremely delighted by it, and I’m really hopeful that something comes of it in the coming months.
I also noticed last night that I’m beginning to grow some great sideburns that are going all the way down to the edge of my jaw rather than stopping at the hinge, and I can assure you that if I end up with horrible cowboy muttonchops I will be keeping them.
(I said this in our group chat, and my friend Essi immediately responded, Yeehawnes, which is the worst pun off my name, or anyone’s name, that has ever been conceived of, and it took years off my life.)
I’ve always had hairy legs and arms, but I’ve noticed that the hair growing on both is a little bit thicker, and while I’ve only had a tiny bit of new hair on my chest, I’ve definitely started growing a trail of hair down my belly, so that the hair between my navel and the top of my groin is more pronounced. It’s great!
Sex Drive & Bottom Growth
(I’m going to be talking about my genitals in this section, including cleanliness stuff, so if that’s a squick for you, scroll down.)
A lot of people don’t actually realise this is a thing, and when I told some cis friends about it, they double-taked like, what? That can’t possibly be true!
But it is.
Testosterone can cause in a lot of men something called clitoromegaly, which most of us call bottom growth — an enlargement of the clitoris. It’s amazing.
This honestly wasn’t a huge priority for me when I started testosterone, but I’ve been really pleasantly surprised by the result — some guys experience uncomfortable growing pains when their growth is more substantial, but because mine’s been more subtle, I haven’t had any pain.
Every man’s vulva is different, but I’ve always had quite a big clitoral hood and fairly big labia, but my actual clit has always been a small enough button that it’s hidden out of sight: 28 days on testosterone, I would say my clit’s head is maybe three quarters of the size of my pinky finger’s tip, and it’s big enough that it pokes out from the hood.
It’s way more growth than I would have expected, and I’m very pleased — as well as the gender affirming aspect of it, even if it’s not the t-dick some guys talk about, I’ve found that because it’s easier to stimulate, orgasm is easier, which is awesome!
With that said, like a lot of trans men, I definitely do have to be more careful about cleaning it — because I’m oilier and my clit is bigger, I’ve definitely been noticing discharge I’ve not had a problem with before collecting under the hood, and because that area is more sensitive, it’s a little uncomfortable to clean. I do think it’s super important, though, so if you’re about to start testosterone or you’re early days in, keep aware of it, and make sure to pay attention to that area.
The bottom growth aside, my sex drive has definitely been higher, but I’ve always had a fairly low sex drive, and I think I’m still probably below average as far as it goes from guy to guy.
Menstruation
I did get a period this month, but what I will say is that the flow was far, far lighter than it ordinarily is, although the cramps were about as painful as they ordinarily were.
Fingers crossed it’s one of my last.
Voice & Vocal Range
So, there has been a change in my voice.
It’s not extremely pronounced, but in my regular speaking voice, I’ve absolutely noticed a slight drop in pitch, and I do feel that my voice is coming from a little lower in my throat, and therefore has the slightest bit more resonance. In conversation, I feel that I get more excited, my voice doesn’t rise in pitch in quite the way it used to, and when it does, it doesn’t go as high.
As far as my vocal range for singing, I can definitely sing notes lower on the octave with more ease than I used to be able to, and when I sing those notes, it’s far easier to sing them and sustain them from my chest, which lends them a resonance that used to be much harder for me to achieve.
It’s only a slight slide that way, just a subtle change, but it’s definitely encouraging, especially because I was so anxious.
I have noticed in conversation, especially when speaking for periods of time, that I have occasional cracks in my voice, and my throat has been sore for the better part of the month — but as with a few other things, it’s difficult to measure that’s T and what’s asthma.
Mood & Stability
The last thing I wanted to talk about, because it’s the thing that’s surprised me the most, is the effect that testosterone has had on my general mood, and my emotional stability.
I’ve always been someone of pretty extreme emotions, where I easily get excited over things, easily get upset over things, and my anxiety has often been utterly unbearable. Testosterone has not taken that away: I still get excited, still get upset, still get anxious.
What testosterone has done is basically… Stop those moods from going to huge extremes, and made my switches between one mood and the next far, far smoother. I don’t have the extreme mood swings from like, complete euphoria to complete despair in the way I often used to; as much as anxiety starts, I find it’s easier to distract myself from it and to work my way through it, even when it’s pronounced enough to cause physical symptoms like nausea and a tight chest; overall, I just feel calmer, and like life is easier.
I used to find it so easy to cry that I teared up constantly over little things, especially in conflict situations: I’ve cried twice in the past month, and once was over anxiety, lasted barely a few seconds, and was easily moved past, and the other time was the other day, because I reread some passages from Les Misérables, and basically cried tears of joy because I love Combeferre, one of les amis, so much.
It’s not that I haven’t felt sad or under pressure! And it’s not that I’ve found it difficult to cry when I need to cry.
But I’m not constantly tearing up over small things that don’t matter anymore, and even when I’m having a direct face-to-face conflict with someone, I’m able to retain an even tone and eye contact throughout, which before would be like… Just luck and adrenaline? Whereas now, it’s more like my normal.
I really didn’t expect the testosterone to do anything as a mood stabiliser, so the fact that it’s had such a dramatic effect on me so far has been amazing — I would have given anything to have something like this a few years ago. It’s impossible to say how much of it is because I’m under less stress due to lessened dysphoria, and how much of it is to do with the actual testosterone itself, I suppose, but either way, it’s fab.
I’ve also noticed that as well as having higher energy levels, I feel more motivated and find it easier to retain motivation — focus is still difficult, but because my energy levels are more stable, the fact that focus is hard to achieve doesn’t bother me as much as I used to, and I find it easier to change between tasks I can focus on without dwelling on the anxiety caused by my lack of focus, which has made a really big difference to my ability to approach new projects and actually get them finished.
What comes next?
I think the things I’m most excited about/hopeful for as it comes to the future are:
- more changes in the shape of my face
- gaining more weight and packing on some more muscle
- a moustache? Please? A real moustache that I can twirl like a villain in a cartoon?
- a deeper, lower voice
I’m really not looking for anything incredibly extreme, and I’m trying to be realistic about the subtlety of the changes as time goes on and I experience more of them, so, here’s to waiting and seeing.
As far as goals go, in the next few months I want to concentrate more on exercising, especially on fleshing out the muscle in my arms and shoulders. As I gain more weight, I’d like to think more about what I add to my wardrobe and take away, because given that I’m more flat-chested and don’t feel so cold all the time, I’m way more comfortable wearing t-shirts out in public now, and that’s pretty great.
I have an appointment mid-September with the University Hospital’s Diabetes Unit, who also handle referrals to the public services when it comes to HRT — I’m interested to see how much the fact that I’m already on testosterone through a private provider makes to how they treat me and how “serious” I am about being trans, because I’ve only ever heard horror stories about the public service in this country, and that was before being on a waiting list for nearly a year just for a referral for a referral.
In the meantime, I’m just going to kind of keep my eyes on the future, and keep on my testosterone schedule.
The last few weeks have been really tough, given complications from my asthma, worries about Covid-19 because I’m high risk, my current cold which is really kicking my arse, and a lot of upset because I can’t responsibly visit my family back in Wales at the moment, given the pandemic.
With that said, I’ve also published my first book, a gay vampire romance set in the 19th century, and the response to it so far has been overwhelmingly positive; and my experience with testosterone has been incredibly positive as well.
It’s a rollercoaster between the positive and the negative at the moment, and as far as what’s to come, I’m just going to have to wait and see.
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