Our Flag Means Death S01 E03: A Gentleman Pirate

Examining OFMD E3: A Gentleman Pirate in close detail and liveblogging/analysing the text.

S01 E01: The Pilot || S01 E02: A Damned Man || S01 E03: A Gentleman Pirate

Back at it again! Once again I am setting your expectations for what I do in these liveblogs/close reading pieces:

• This is going to be a rewatch liveblog going through each episode and closely reading and responding to the text, bit by bit, in chronological order.
• It’s going to be pretty casual in tone, I will be swearing and making sex jokes and blah blah blah, this is close reading for fun and isn’t academic in tone, but it’s still close reading and commentary on the text with some analysis here and there. For fun.
• I’m gay, gay, homosexual, gay, and I’m not editing out the bits where I get distracted by being horny for the benefit of your entertainment and also my own lack of shame. You’re welcome.
• I have seen the whole series, I will be making constant reference to other stuff later in the text, so there will be spoilers for later in the series.

Of the episodes, I think this is the episode that makes me cringe the absolute most and want to look away from the screen the most, so. Expect that.

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I hate Israel Hands so fucking much. He is my favourite character, I love him, I smile as soon as I lay eyes on him, I just want to rip him to shreds and use him to make papier maché, he’s such a fucking mess of a human being. I will never be normal about him.

Anyway, a thing I really love about Ed’s ship, a detail I’ve not gone into yet, is the amount of gold on the vessel — there’s so much gold filigree painted into the black hull, there’s golden skulls everywhere, there’s so much gold on the top, and the thing is, like… Gold filigree in itself isn’t unusual, right?

If you look at some other tall ships, especially if you look at naval vessels, they’d totally have elements painted in gold — here are some photos I took when visiting the S.S. Great Britain, a passenger ship that’s been restored from the mid-1800s:

That gold would have glinted, it would have been eye-catching, it would have shone and drawn your attention to it when you looked over, the same way you’d look toward a flag — plenty of names would be painted on in silver or gold, especially contrasting against dark-coloured wood or metal surfaces.

But on Ed’s ship?

When sailors look through a glass, the golden symbols their eyes are drawn to are undeniably symbols of death, but also like… It’s so very opulent. I love seeing a lot of gothic clothing that pairs black and silver, because there’s just something sleek to it, but black and gold is on a whole other level to me, because that golden shine is attention-grabbing, it’s handsome, and especially for Ed, who doesn’t deserve fine things, it’s such a wonderful display in this case of like, wealth?

Because it’s a fine thing that’s still not soft to the touch. It’s demonstrative of wealth and power and importance, but it’s not nice to touch. It’s cold and hard, just like any other metal. Especially as a design element, I really like it on the Queen Anne because it would have been so easy to just have the skulls be bone white, and paint any filigree in white or silver as well — that would have been very haunting, very scary, very creepy. The gold here, against the black backdrop, is a lot more theatrical, but for that matter a lot more imposing.

It would be very easy to brush off the vessel of a pirate like Blackbeard’s, in the context of the show, as a dark and scary vessel because Blackbeard is such a “dark and scary” man (with all the racism that would be implied in that), but with the Queen Anne there’s this very intentional display of wealth and influence in the most crucial of its design choices, because it’s not just about being scary, it’s also about cultivating this image of influence and more in-depth power. I think there’s something to be said specifically for the period and the extent to which so much imperial monstrosity was done in the same of stealing gold particularly, and what it means for a vessel captained by a brown, Māori man to lay waste to English, Spanish, and French vessels whilst painted black and showing off so much of the gold detailing that they use in their own ships, all to depict their imperial power, especially when it comes to the associations made between gold and royalty (fuck the king(s)).

Anyway back to my little guy. Did you know he’s 5’7″?

I love his hair in this scene because I love when it’s messy and I love that he looks miserable, because it’s what he deserves. It’s so funny to me that he wears a glove on one hand and not the other, especially when he just walks around like that — it’s one thing for sword play, but the fact that he’s just going around with one really sweaty leather-bound hand?

Gay behaviour. Such a homo.

AND HE SPITS AGAIN.

So into the interior of Ed’s cabin and I love that it’s so fucking cluttered with shit, and that he’s decorated it like a teenage girl who’s really into Jack Skellington would decorate her bedroom, right down to the tattered black crepe curtains that let in literally all the light. That’s so fucking stupid, Ed. I love it. Especially too that he’s got such a variety of light sources too — he’s basking in the sunlight coming in through the windows, leaned dramatically back in his fancy carved, high-backed chair, but there’s this hideous many-candled monstrosity of an instrument on the desk, there’s candles around, and then there’s also a lamp on the wall. He needs perfectly-lit conditions under which to brood, especially with his random tat around, such as a carved human skull and a fucking puffer fish.

I love seeing him smoke I hope we get so much more of this in S2. It’s so striking to me that we see so much of Ed in these first few episodes from side angles and from behind — obviously for the big reveal it’s so much more dramatic, but it speaks a lot to the distance between Izzy and Ed here, emotionally, the fact that Ed spends so much of his time with his back toward Izzy, doesn’t bother to turn around to face him. There’s already so much between them that’s closed-off and tired, a burning-out of whatever old trust might have been there, and it fucks me up.

Ed blowing smoke rings is so great.

IZZY: Honestly, I really don’t think this Bonnet’s worth your time.

ED: Mmm. So he’s a fancy man with a fancy ship, and he travels with a brigade of imbeciles. Do I have that right?

IZZY: Yes, I suppose you could put it like —

ED, holding up one homosexual finger, clad in fingerless gloves because he loves and embraces the religion of Hot Topic: And he bested you at swordplay.

Taika Waititi is so good at this like… slow, rich, sexy voice — it’s condescending and it’s controlled and it’s so sublimely in command, and we do see it later on, like… Izzy also does this a bit, he does a sultry voice in E2 and E3 that we don’t really see from him later on when he’s under stress and freaking out more, but Ed does this voice a lot and it’s so fucking good because it sounds so nice.

It’s even and easy, there’s no yelling, there’s no shouting, because he doesn’t need to raise his voice. You already know he’s the man in charge, and that you should be thinking about your fucking skin if you know what’s good for you. Especially between him and Izzy, like —

I’m gonna be doing a lot of work in this episode and E4 about the parallels between Izzy and Mary and the ways that Izzy acts like a rejected wife, but crucially, Edward is Izzy’s captain, and Izzy is his first mate and his second, and Ed knows what Izzy’s weaknesses are.

Like, he doesn’t not know about them. He knows that Izzy has a temper and that if he can control it, he doesn’t. He knows that Izzy’s arrogant and has an ego the size of Texas. He knows that Izzy’s a gay repressed idiot. And here he is not playing nice with Izzy, he’s not berating him, but he’s just very clearly going, “Well, he beat you at swordplay. We both know that you’re an extremely good swordsman, but he bested you. Why wouldn’t I find that interesting?”

And Izzy either has to admit that he got too distracted by Stede’s tits to play his best (in which case, Stede is hot, and Ed’s right to be interested) or that, yes indeed, Stede bested him (in which case, Stede is fascinating, and Ed’s right to be interested). There’s no way out of this for Izzy no matter that he’s still about to try.

I also find it funny that Ed refers to Stede’s crew as a brigade of imbeciles because he believes Izzy when he says the rest of them are morons, but for some reason with Stede he assumes Stede has a reason, and can’t just be a lucky idiot like the rest of them? But also given that for pretty much most of the series, Ed has absolutely 0 interest in any of Stede’s crew, he barely views any of them as people (notably he doesn’t view his own crew as people either, given that in Ed’s world he’s one of the protagonists and the minor pirates are just easily killable NPCs). It’s only in the last handful of episodes that he starts to talk and relate to most of them one-on-one, when we get to the talent show.

Ed is, frankly, bored by the vast majority of people. He’s not afraid of showing that.

IZZY, after a (rightfully) embarrassed pause: They tricked us. It was an ambush. Completely unprofessional.

MY GUY, you are pirates. How is that unprofessional?

ED, judgementally: Hmm.

IZZY: So, what’s the plan, sir? Do we open fire? Or would you rather we just attack them, kill them, throw them out to the sharks, sir?

His face in this delivery is so funny because he knows he’s not going to get it. His eyes keep flitting all over the place, he’s standing up straight and looking forward and those sirs are so obsequious, he’s all but begging Ed not to leave him for this shiny new model and it cracks me up.

He already knows Ed wants to meet Stede, or he wouldn’t be putting this on so thick, and like, I’ve mentioned in meta on Tumblr before like, I do wonder how many men Izzy has seen Ed do this with. Because Ed is obsessed with Calico Jack when he lands, and he changes his personality a lot to mirror Jack’s and to engage with him very very closely, and I have to wonder how many times Izzy’s seen Ed focus on a new pirate or new person in general and just completely obsess over them.

For me, I’m extremely attached to reading Ed as ADHD and also BPD, and the sudden focus on a new Special Person seems so him.

And like —

Hhhh, I love this bit, I love it, I love it, because what does it mean?

ED: Wait ’til they make landfall, then invite ’em aboard the ship. And, Izzy, I want you to handle this personally.

IZZY: Oh, Edward, can’t I just send the boys?

ED: Mmm mm, no, I want this done right. After all, he is a gentleman. We want to make a good impression.

Because this is the moment that we see that Izzy isn’t just the obsequious first mate who’s servile and obedient. He drops the “Captain”. He drops the “sir”. He goes, Oh, Edward. Now, he’s still stood extremely straight, and his eyes are flitting about, but like — That’s so familiar, isn’t it? And the way he sighs as he says it, goes, asks to send the boys instead, because if Ed’s going to do this, he doesn’t want to be involved.

And Ed goes, no. We want to make a good impression.

And so partly, like, yes, it’s about etiquette, right? It’s about Ed wanting to engage this gentleman on his own terms, to engage with him properly and with all the due respect that a gentleman like him probably expects… but also, this man just fucking humiliated Izzy. He bested him at swordplay despite Izzy being an expert. He took a hostage out from under his nose.

And Ed knows that.

Like, I’m just so fascinated because Ed’s going, well, you fucking let him beat you, so you don’t get to squirrel your way out of this one, you don’t get to go lick your wounds because you’re embarrassed — go face up to him again, and tell him I want to see him.

And if Izzy does think about himself as Ed’s wife, it’s also like. Be a good cuck and go get my new girlfriend for me.

Which —

That’s a whole thing, as well, I guess.

The way Izzy turns around with his head forward, the, “Stupid fucking Stede Bonnet” when Ed can obviously fucking hear him, and the way that Ed doesn’t even respond? Like I’m just fascinated by their dynamic, by this weird thing of like —

Izzy’s his first mate and also his wife and also his ex-wife and Izzy’s allowed to call him Edward and Ed and Eddie and he’s allowed to whine and complain and have a temper tantrum and Ed just doesn’t react or give a shit, and also no one else in the world is allowed to call him his first name including his best mate Calico Jack except all of a sudden Stede Bonnet and Stede Bonnet’s crew of imbeciles until they’re not allowed anymore, and crucially, nor is Izzy.

Just —

Wild.

Blackbeard with the six guns and the fuses in his beard is so fucking ridiculous. I really do hope they do the lit fuses thing in S2, I think it’s so insane that he the real Blackbeard used to do that.

I love Frenchie getting drafted in to take Lucius’ place because he’s the next best thing, because Frenchie looks so small and so fucking awkward sititng back on the couch with the journal open in his lap making his doodles and stuff, this poor fucking guy.

STEDE: Blackbeard, Captain Kidd, the Gentleman Pirate… What do those names conjure for you?

FRENCHIE: Well, the first two are like, very, very talented pirates. The badgers’ knackers. But I have no idea who the… last bloke is.

Stede’s construction of a new identity somehow even more cringe than the last is classic Stede, but I think it’s so interesting that Frenchie uses the word talented here. Not famous, not frightening, but talented. As in like, accomplished, naturally adept at. I love the idea of Frenchie seeing pirates as performers even before we get to the fuckery episode later on.

It’s so cute how he fiddles with the quill.

STEDE: Well, the last one is the scariest of them all.

FRENCHIE, grinning: Oh, yeah? Keep talking!

STEDE: Yeah, he’s a killer. But, instead of killing with weapons, he kills with… *gay primary school teacher jazz hands* Kindness!

Oh, Frenchie’s fucking face. He was so ready to take notes, and he was so ready to listen to Captain Bonnet tell a fun story because Stede loves to tell fun stories, and instead it’s… this.

FRENCHIE: Oh, right, so you’re the ge — gentleman pirate, then?

STEDE, snapping his fingers, again, like a gay primary school teacher: Well-sussed!

FRENCHIE: Yeah.

There’s a thing Joel Fry does as Frenchie quite a lot that I really really enjoy, and it’s this nose scrunch wince while smiling, to distract you from the fact that he thinks you’re unbelievably fucking cringe, and I love it.

Like, fuck Stede for a second, I just wonder what the fuck Frenchie is feeling in this scene when just last episode Stede was making him pretend to be a slave while some posh dude yelled slurs at him, and the specific connotations of like… The fact that Frenchie was in service, and it’s him that gets called in to act as Stede’s boy in lieu of Lucius, and like — why him?

Did he volunteer? Did Stede go grab him and just demand he come help?

Is it because he’s a musician and that’s almost like a scribe? Is it because Stede finds him the “least threatening” of his crew, or the most likable, or the easiest to talk to, or the most like Lucius? Is it because Buttons and Oluwande will argue too much, but he assumes that Frenchie will just be a reluctant hype man, the same as Lucius is?

Like it’s just the fact that Frenchie is sitting on the couch in this position where he has to be nice and pleasant to Stede about Stede’s obscene ego as Stede comes up with this cringe bullshit and tries to pretend it makes him a really cool pirate, and Frenchie is in a position where there is no way to go “what the fuck”, and he’s just doing his best and writing it down, when Stede just did that — and two episodes later, Frenchie gets to go, no, no, fuck all that, I’m the viceroy now, but in the meantime it’s just like, ugh.

Ugh.

And then five episodes after that, he’s trapped on the Queen Anne with Izzy pointing a gun at his face, staring up at Izzy and Ed both, who may or may not fucking kill him, and he’s once again between a rock and a hard place.

I want all the backstory for him in S2, I just… Guh. Guh.

Anyway, Stede going, “That’ll be my brand” is a whole thing here. Because brand to mean like, a product or consumer identity is a far more modern meaning of the word? Brand in the period means what the latter came from, as in, an identifying mark burnt into something (or someone) with a hot iron. I know that it’s not meant to be read that way, that he does mean it in the modern way, it’s just that… Yikes. You know.

FRENCHIE: Erm, as I said before, Captain, I’m not the strongest writer.

STEDE: Mmm.

FRENCHIE: Or reader.

STEDE: Well, there’s no words on there at all.

FRENCHIE: No, ’cause I’ve drawn them.

STEDE: Right.

HE’S DOING HIS BEST, STEDE, YOU BITCH.

Lucius told you none of the rest of the crew could read or write like he can, he fucking told you this, and Frenchie is doing his best! Be grateful! Or die!

I do love Stede going “I hope Lucius isn’t dead because that would be a bad vibe” and Frenchie just agreeing though. Like, not because he likes Lucius at all, or particularly cares about him. It’d just ruin the mood.

And also, God, Frenchie just referring to the hostage as a fucking bad vibe, and the fact that Stede’s literally forgotten about him because he was too busy envisaging his new pirate influencer career cracks me up.

STEDE: Oh, God, we need a plan.

FRENCHIE: Mm, ’cause he’s kind of bringing everyone down, bit of a pirate pooper.

Pirate pooper, Frenchie, why are you like this, I love it. He’d be such a good MC at your local when you’re having a birthday party.

I’m obsessed with how pleased Roach is with how disgusting the hostage smells and looks, and how when he’s like “The sun did work its wonders!” he grins and crosses his arms over his chest and looks so fucking pleased with a job well done. My sweet and beautiful and extremely violent dearheart.

Another penny in the Buttons cannibal jar, talking about the nice crispy bits on the English guy’s face, quite gross, my guy! Don’t eat that, you know where it’s been!

I love how Roach and Pete look at one another in disgust at Stede ruining their hard work at torturing the guy, wanting to give him water and “generate some shade” and stuff — I’m really interested to see what S2 will do with Stede being more of a gentleman pirate and actually, presumably, being somewhat successful about it now he’s getting more skills under his belt?

STEDE: What should we do with our hostage, any ideas?

FRENCHIE, sounding annoyed: What, you mean other than kill him?

I’m obsessed with this. There’s just something so special to me about the role that Frenchie repeatedly takes on Stede’s ship — not just to Stede, he does it to Izzy, he does it to pretty much everyone — where he really bluntly asks the question everyone wants to ask, or says the thing everyone wants to say, and he does it even while being shy and a little scared of retaliation, and I’m so so hype to see what that looks like under Ed.

Frenchie brought up the hostage because he’s fucking horrible but also right now is being gross, and he was just like, oh, good, we can stop him hanging around, we can just kill him, and then it’ll be an easier vibe — and oh, so we can kill him? We just want a cool way to kill him?

Cool. Let’s quadruply amputate and make him into a table.

STEDE: No, let’s not. Thank you, though.

FRENCHIE in the background: 😒

I love how happy Roach is to be praised when Stede goes “Good thinking!”, I really like how positively everyone responds to praise and being told they did a good job.

BUTTONS: (weird dramatic monologue while staring off into the distance)

STEDE: Well, one can only hope he’s talking to us, in which case, wow!

It’s so funny to me that Stede knows that Buttons is fucking mental, and just goes with it. He’s just like, yeah, yeah, I knew that when I hired him, it’s part of his peculiar charm.

Jim wide-eyed with their hands on their back as Oluwande tries to claw back this situation is so funny, the both of them leaning on the capstan, and then Jim rolling their eyes and shrugging, God.

PETE, loudly, when STEDE refers to himself as “the Gentleman Pirate”: Oh. My. God. No!

I don’t agree with Pete on much but he’s got it right here.

JIM: You mean for the thing with her husband?

OLUWANDE: The thi — Yes, the thing where you killed him.

JIM: *pffft* Olu, grow up. We live in a state of nature.

Genuinely one of Jim’s funniest and most unhinged lines, I love how completely dismissive they are here of Oluwande’s worries and going like, man, chill out, why would she put a price on my head just for that? And I’m so sure Jim knows there totally is a danger but is way more focused on the knife, and also like —

Fuck danger, right? They’re an assassin trained by nuns. They can totally handle this.

Especially them laughing and going “19 now” and Oluwande is not laughing and he does not find this funny, actually, he is genuinely and really concerned about this. It’s so funny to me too that Jim has so many parallels to Izzy in that they’re both emotionally repressed types, and that here like…

OLUWANDE: Jim, a fake beard and a wax nose is not gonna fool Jackie. You couldn’t even fool Lucius!

JIM: Oh, mm, that’s different. Ese bastardito caught me unawares.

Accountability? For my angry little knife-wielding monster?

Absolutely not.

Jim is more similar to Izzy Hands than they would ever like to hear.

Also quite obsessed with the idea that as soon as Lucius has heard some of the game, he can hear all of it, they’re having this conversation literally on top of the trunk they’ve stuffed him into. Everything is for Lucius’ ears, in for a penny, in for a pound!

I adore that Oluwande refers to Lucius as being on the same team — does he mean the same crew? Does he mean that Lucius is a queer like them? I don’t know. But he has the one brain cell on the ship, and he’s using it.

The way that Lucius is immediately like “I feel really good about this” and puts his hands on both their shoulders like, yes, I am one of the team, I believe in you guys, I totally ship you guys, and Jim is immediately just, NO, GET BACK IN THE BOX, NO FEELINGS, NO POSITIVITY.

When Stede comes in and asks why Lucius is so sweaty it’s so funny to me because as Lucius goes through his insane “we were exercising” excuse, Oluwande in the background is just slowly turning his face away out of sheer embarrassment, meanwhile Jim is staring directly at Lucius’ face the entire time. Jim stares at Lucius like, “what the fuck are you talking about?” as Oluwande does his little widening-eyes cringe, and I’m just like…

You’re so bad at lying. You’re so, so bad at lying, and I love it.

“I’m glad you’re making friends, but tighten up, mate!”

Aw, he’s glad he’s making friends, but also he needs Lucius’ help to get dressed, so fuck your friends, Lucius.

I love the cut from a man vomiting blood into a bin to Frenchie going, “Alright, so it’s a bit gentrified, but it’s still the Republic of Pirates,” like, I love that Roach, Frenchie, and Pete have all been here and presumably have been here years ago — especially because they’re all in their late thirties/forties, and were likely there a decade ago or before that.

Meanwhile, Stede is just disgustingly into it.

LUCIUS: Sorry, do these outfits maybe feel like an error in judgement, or —

STEDE: It’s a power move. Make people feel underdressed, and suddenly you’re the one in charge.

In fairness to Lucius, he doesn’t know that Stede will be metaphorically getting married to Ed later today and needs to be wearing white.

It’s so funny to me too that Lucius does just stand there as this guy gets his bloody handprints all over him and Stede, being insane, goes, “Aw, come on! You couldn’t have sidestepped!?”

Like, it’s so important to me here that Stede is quite mental, and he’s really enjoying all the murder and mayhem going on around him, safe and secure in the knowledge that he’s the protagonist of life and that nothing bad will happen to him and also his new self-delusion is that if he’s just enough of a girlboss, and he goes around wearing a white suit (and he’s got his servant and also his hostage in matching gear) then people will simply find him so impressive.

Like.

The way that we continuously Stede come to these moments of astonishing, painful self-awareness, and then he immediately Wilhelm screams and dives right back into self-oblivion?

Glorious.

We love the traumatised vibes. What an idiot.

I love it when Lucius cries. I always need more of this.

UGH I AHTE STEDE SO MUCH, Christ.

“I’ve never felt so at home!”

Shut up!!! You awful little trauma tourist!

The way he sings the words “Man for sale! Man for sale!” get me to my absolute core, he’s so fucking awful, this is why I cringe so much in this episode, it’s like… Episode 2 is a whole journey for Stede. We see him basically in therapy, go through a lot of self-realisations, realises things, and then he’s like, well, therapy’s done now, I’m completely cured and I’m normal!

No, Stede, you’re not. You’re extremely unwell in the head, you are still extremely traumatised and prone to self-delusion because of your desperate terror of accountability and also your own abysmal self-esteem, and you’re not a pirate.

Also, you are a white man in a white suit singing “Man for sale!” in the Republic of Pirates and your Black crew members are jogging away to get the fuck away from this. Even PETE is jogging to get away from you, and Pete’s even stupider than you are!

LUCIUS: Listen, I think you might want to adjust the pitch, because it’s quite unclear what you’re selling.

STEDE: Look, I might be new to pirating, but I know a thing or two about salesmanship.

No, you don’t, you fucking dickhead. When have you ever sold a thing in your life? No one’s even buying that you were married, and you made your wife unhappy for years.

I’m also just obsessed with Nathan Foad’s performance in this scene because he does so well at the like… Open-mouthed, I literally can’t believe what you just said and what you’re continuing to say shock so goddamn well. Especially the layers to it too, where Lucius is savvy, but also like, Lucius is a white gay man?

And so Lucius is thinking, oh, God, we sound like extremely weird sex workers; Roach and Frenchie, on the other hand, presumably immediately went “yeah, we’re out”, because Stede initially sounds like a fucking slaver.

“Check out this fabulous booty I’m hawking!”

I’d love to kindly euthanise him. Wring his neck like an extremely cringeworthy pigeon.

Anyway, obsessed with Jim sauntering around with their hand on their belt buckle while Oluwande goes behind them with his sword held up to his face to hide it. How much of this episode is Jim’s genuinely terrible judgement and lack of self-preservation, and how much of it is just them absolutely gloriously high on the gender euphoria?

JIM: Reward, 50 doubloons? That’s it!?

I love Jackie and I really hope we get more of her in S2 because like… the fact that she immediately knew that if she put a low bounty on Jim, they’d come back, then immediately reocgnised them and pretended they didn’t, like —

Why is Jackie playing four-dimensional chess just for no reason? You have to love it.

Oluwande is just so funny trying to wrangle his feral cat of a partner, and then Jim is just screaming “I wasted this guy!” like, babes, please…

I love the way Lucius looks at the guy and is immediately fully aware of what’s going on and is just like “Oh, this is happening. This is happening, and I hate it.” He’s also such an expert at the gay henchman lean-in to whisper shit in Stede’s year, honestly.

STEDE, furious: I’m no prostitute, mate!

The delivery of “We could have made magic!” and the gay little handwave is just… yeah. It’s so good. Especially given that in this moment I like, barely think that Stede knows and has practical experience of what sex workers are like, let alone male ones.

STEDE: Do we look like prostitutes to you?

LUCIUS, in long-suffering tones: Well, not terribly successful ones.

The way he says “Well,” reallyd does communicate multitudes, honestly. I really love headcanons for Lucius having a background in sex work, as a molly or whatever, and it just works so fucking well.

I love that Lucius and Oluwande are always put into the position of wrangling Jim and Stede, not because their relationships are similar, but simply because Stede and Jim are just twin forces for absolute fucking chaos.

Anyway, time for the dramatic Spanish music.

SAMSON KAYO DESERVES AN EMMY PURELY FOR THE LINE DELIVERY OF, “It’s a shithole. There’s a lot of… crime. And, uh, diseases, and uh, poorly mixed drinks.”

I do just love their whole dynamic and once more I wonder exactly what their relationship was before all this, if it was that Oluwande was crushing on Jim and that’s why he got them the job, and then was like, well, in for a penny, in for a murder, I’ll just tag along with them for the rest of my life?

Like, Oluwande is so loyal, and unlike with other characters where you could argue their loyalty is in part self-preservation, he’s just so genuine and so loving, and it kills me.

Anyway, Stede giving Lucius a dad-esque pep talk about not being scared of the occupants of the scary bar? When the problem is almost certainly going to be Stede provoking said occupants into violence by being himself? So funny. So goddamn funny.

“It’s so authentic!” and with the fucking Brit beside him as well, sharing a grin with him, like, God, Stede Bonnet, why are you like this?

This bit literally makes me want to throw up the secondhand embarrassment is so strong, I hate Rhys Darby for this, I literally hate and loathe him for it. I want to die.

Kudos to Nathan Foad for being able to do a town crier voice though, that’s banter.

LUCIUS: Hear ye, hear ye. (flinching and whispering when the music goes silent and everyone turns around) Oh, fuck. Please join me in welcoming for his regional debut… the Brigand of Barbados… the Cream of the Carribbean… the Gentleman Pirate.

STEDE: (musically) Hiiii, all! Nice to be here. I may be landed gentry, but I’m thrilled to be granted entry.

I hate him. I think that Izzy was right to want to kill him, I think Izzy should be allowed to kill him, my skin is literally burning with secondhand embarrassment. The only character in this show that embarrasses me more than Stede is Izzy, but so long as you keep Izzy in a proper enclosure like a stinging wasp, where he belongs, he’s fine. So he can live. Stede has to die.

And like. You know that Lucius told him. You know that Lucius tried to be like, “Captain, um, have we considered, maybe — “ and Stede went, no, no, no, this is salesmanship, this is great, this’ll do so well. Follow my script with my insane taglines that I just made up.

Like it’s funny because like —

The whole point of this is Stede trying to be less entitled. He’s trying to be a real pirate. Except that the only way he knows how to do anything is fucking around, making up lies about himself, and acting as if the world owes him success, and so everyone goes… Nah, man. Fuck off.

Poor fucking Lucius, honestly.

Stede going “Drinks are on us!” and obviously it’s Lucius that gets hit, and the one pirate that goes, “Drinks be on ye now!” is so fucking funny, especially because Stede looks so surprised, like, how are you still surprised?

I love Jim in this scene going right up to Geraldo and confidently putting their tankard on the counter, like, you just have to wonder what’s going through their head. They’ve basically blown this whole thing off with Oluwande, said they don’t give a fuck, and it’s like —

Raised the way that they’ve been raised with the weight of avenging their entire family on their shoulders and they’ve now started that journey of revenge, they’ve started killing people, and they’re so intent on not having to think about it in too much detail. They want this to be an adventure, they want it to be no big deal, but like… It is a big deal. They could die, having started this — they could die, trying to finish it.

Do they want to die? Do they care? Can they even imagine a life for themselves that isn’t based on getting revenge, at this point, when for their entire life that’s been their only purpose?

Obsessed with Geraldo’s wide-eyed expression and the drop-open of his mouth as he lays eyes on Oluwande — I do wonder, given that Geraldo’s a blessed idiot, that Spanish Jackie did not outline the plan for him explicitly initially and that he’s really very surprised to clap eyes on him here? Or has he been half-expecting Oluwande to come along with Jim in tow and yet also half-expected him to have some common sense and not do that?

GERALDO: You have got some world-class, rock-hard, absolutely titanic balls coming in here!

He doesn’t even sound pissed is the thing, like, he’s obviously being serious and it’s not like he looks happy to see him, but he’s not actually coming off as super angry or super pissed. It’s a shame about him dying because I just think Geraldo is so fucking funny because he’s so obedient to Jackie but he also like… Very much goes with the flow and seems to enjoy the chaos of life around him and all the unpredictability of it, which makes sense, given who he’s chosen to marry.

I like his tattoos, I hadn’t thought about them much before, but I like the dice on one arm, the swords across his chest — I also do appreciate that his costume is very in-line with the uniform of the Revenge, wearing that open black shirt and the white waistcoat overtop, keeping the colourless theme there.

OLUWANDE: You know, I actually thought you’d be dead by now.

GERALDO, giggling: I did too!

It’s the fact that Geraldo is not a very strong or particularly intelligent or cunning man, the fact that he’s basically existing by Jackie’s leave and on Jackie’s authority, and he’s allowed to be the bartender, he does all sorts of important tasks, but like… He knows he’s lucky to be here. He does not look or sound or act like a survivor acts in this brutal world of theirs, but he’s still here — he’s surprised, but he’s pleased about it! Go with the flow, I guess!

GERALDO: Life is funny. (immediately stiffens up slightly) Who’s your friend?

I really like what Fred Armisen does with his face here — he keeps his eyes slightly wide to look across at the others, his hands are set on the counter which means his shoulders come up a bit in line with his neck, and the way he tightens his face is so expressive. It’s not about the set of his jaw, but instead the tighten of his mouth and his nasolabial muscles without fully scrunching up his nose — it’s the same muscles he’d be using to smile, pulling on them in the same way, but instead he’s doing this extremely tense and slightly twisted frown, almost like a closed-mouth grimace. It doesn’t express like, pure anger or rage to me, but instead something that’s more loaded with disgust, or with indignation? Like he’s offended on behalf of Jackie but he’s obviously offended on his own behalf too. Like, how the fuck dare you come back here and bring a buddy too?

AND JIM ISN’T BACKING DOWN AT ALL, THEY’RE FUCKING SMIRKING UNDER THAT STUPID GODDAMN BEARD, OH MY GOD.

OLUWANDE: Um… This is Jim. Jim — You don’t know Jim, because Jim is a mute. (pats Jim’s shoulder) So. That’s my friend.

(Jim’s eyes crinkle as they smile.)

GERALDO: Naturally, Jackie’s gonna want a word.

I love Jackie’s Spanish guitar theme, honestly, but fuck, the way that Jim grins here looking back at Jackie when Oluwande is so concerned, like… What is this feeling, for Jim? The thrill at thinking they’ve gotten one over on Jackie? The thrill of being back in town where the adventure is, closer to getting their goals accomplished again? Just the fact that because they’re in danger they’re feeling adrenaline and for months on the Revenge they’ve been bored out of their fucking skull — the fact that here, right now, like this, they’re themselves, they’re not just playing a role, because this is the role that is them, that’s what they’re meant for?

“Now, man!” and the way Jim starts to saunter over only for Geraldo to go, “Not you!” and Jim suddenly looks a bit pissier and more serious because, oh, it’s not all going according to their not-plan.

Suddenly Oluwande is the one in harm’s way, and that’s not fun at all. Obsessed with Samson Kayo’s high-pitched “Hey, Jackieeee!”

It’s so interesting to me that all of Jackie’s husbands have her initials literally branded on the sides of their faces — it speaks a lot to Jackie’s power and influence, especially considering her particular position as a Black woman in the period and having all these men around her, like… What’s the best way to absolutely ensure that no one dares think that her husbands might be the ones in charge, that one of them might actually be the brains of the operation, the real commander? Excellent question with an excellent answer: she will brand the sides of their faces with her literal initials like they’re livestock.

These men are her husbands, they are extensions of her, they obey her commands and exist to serve her will. None of them is secretly controlling from behind the scenes or giving her “helpful advice” and unseating her position as the genuine, real, woman in charge. To compare and contrast Spanish Jackie’s position to Mary’s later is so natural for us to do, and like… Mary could never get away with this because it’s so impolite and improper, because it’s so violent — in any case, Mary doing that to men of colour as Jackie does would be way more typical of the period (white woman slave owner as opposed to powerful woman turning the tables on expected power dynamics), it’s not about Mary literally being able to do what SJ does, more that like…

I really like the commentaries that OFMD gives us on the intersection of race and gender and class in terms of what power it is possible to leverage, what power it is easy to leverage, and what power can be leveraged and by whom and why they can do it where others can’t, specifically when we consider like, tropes that are being turned on their head and/or places where people will look the other way or ignore certain things, but not others.

It’s so much more complex than simply being about linear “privilege” and “marginalisation” as a kind of one-way morality measure, and is instead way more about like… How you’re marginalised and privileged in different and varied ways, often in concurrent or contradictory ways based on the same facets of your personhood or identity, and how those values can be leveraged depending on the spaces you’re inhabiting and the other people around you.

Spanish Jackie is a pirate in Nassau, after all — as a Black woman elsewhere she would likely have to fight public opinion but also like, legal ramifications to exist as she does; in Nassau, because there isn’t the same imperial structure of law and contract as it exists elsewhere to enforce white supremacist patriarchy, she’s able to leverage power based on violence, based on cunning, based on the practicalities of power rather than the collective imagination of who has/should have power.

I just… Guh, I hope we get so much more of Spanish Jackie in S2, I fucking love everything Leslie Jones gives us in this role and I want and crave so much more of it.

I also like that it’s an easy way to clock Jackie’s husbands from across the room, especially because one gets the impression that most of her husbands stay in and around Nassau with her because it’s not like they can exactly go stealth with a mark like that. The power dynamic for her having this harem of men who are so desperate in service to her is just great.

I do also wonder about the x tattoo on Izzy’s face — a lot of people headcanon that it’s Ed’s signature and I personally really enjoy that theory, especially if it’s part of why Izzy can’t just leave Ed’s service, because he’s got Ed’s mark so visibly on his face; that would parallel Spanish Jackie’s branding of her husbands really well.

It’s such a fucking power move for Jackie to go, no, no, no, no, no, come sit here next to me, come sit nice and close, not across the table. It’s more physically intimate but it’s also in itself a power play — Oluwande doesn’t get to look at Jackie head-on with a table between them, he has to be in close and cede his physical space to hers, and lso not block her line of sight.

I LOVE HER WOODEN HAND. It’s so cool that it’s engraved and has jewellery on the fingers and the nails painted, I just think it’s class, especially the “Olu, Olu… Olu…” while caressing his face with it. God.

The crushed velvet of her coat and her big ruffled blouse and her earring and her hair are all just so sick, it delights me beyond measure the outfit they gave her — and the big fucking boots, too! If we see her again in S2 I hope we get to see a rake of new outfits for her as well.

JACKIE: Where you been? You been avoiding me?

OLUWANDE: What? What, no, I… I actually thought you were kind of mad at me, if I’m honest.

Leslie Jones does this thing sooo fucking well where she genuinely like… puts on this sweetness and vulnerability with Jackie, her eyes are a little wide, her lips are downturned in the slightest of moues, her eyebrows are down and softened, her voice when she says, “You been avoiding me?” has this slight quaver on “avoiding”, like… Jackie genuinely sounds vulnerable, she genuinely sounds subtly hurt, and it contrasts so fucking well with the fact that Oluwande is literally shaking in his fucking boots, absolutely terrified.

We’ve heard them talk about Spanish Jackie as dangerous, but she’s presenting herself here with such a vulnerability, she’s showing hurt and like — maybe she is hurt! She’s pissed as well, sure, but maybe she is hurt, yes, but like, it’s not just about whether she’s actually hurt or not so much as it’s about what she presents and how she performs her role here.

When she’s genuinely hurt and presents herself as sweet — not angry, just disappointed — it means the other party can’t as easily just be angry or defensive right off the bat, it’s disarming. Social convention rather prevents you from going “OH HEY I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING” when the other person is gently asking you if they did something to offend you.

JACKIE: Why would Jackie be mad?

And still the soft voice but then, boom, here’s the slight raise of the eyebrows, the, “You know what you did, let’s hear it.” I fucking adore it. I fucking love how Jackie talks about herself in the third person so much too, it’s such a great tic whenever I hear it in someone’s body of speech, but particularly because Our Flag Means Death in so many ways is about the construction of our own mythos in contrast or alongside our own identity and personality, and this is a reflection of that, you know?

Spanish Jackie is a legendary figure within her community and so much of her position relies on ensuring that legend is well-established and intimidating and impactful, and speaking about herself in the third person is such a great way to distance herself from that obvious narrative construction whilst literally constructing it in conversation.

Also, it’s funny.

OLUWANDE: Well, I kinda recommended you hire a waitress who… stabbed your favourite husband up, so.

JACKIE: Oh, yeah, that’s true, that’s true. (leans forward, looks more serious, more obviously aggrieved, as we hear a low string note in the background) Bonifacia Jimenez.

I also enjoy how this puts the onus on Oluwande to literally describe and define what he did that would have made Jackie angry — if Jackie had said, “Why would I be angry?” I feel like there might have been more of an expectation for Olu to apologise as he’s speaking? Whereas instead here, like, it’s him describing exactly what happened.

Which is great exposition for us as the audience too, and does make one wonder again what Jim and Oluwande’s relationship was before this, because we know Oluwande is extremely loyal to Jim now and that they’re friends and Oluwande blates has a crush on them, but was that the case before? Is that why Oluwande got Jim the job, because they had a crush on them? Or were they established friends before, for a while…? We don’t know!

But I would like to know. Please and thank you.

Leslie Jones needs like, a billion more roles like this that let her just fucking rock the drama, she’s so goddamn good at it. I really love the lighting in Spanish Jackie’s too and how well it works to show the shine on people’s skin, on their lipsticks and lips, in their eyes too — for Geraldo earlier because his eyes are a lighter colour you see the flames from the candles reflect in them in a way that really puts across a rage, whereas with Jackie as she leans forward here, she looks like a relief. You see the shine off her forehead, showing the slight furrow between her brows, you see the light under her eyes and the pink pigment on her lips — you really see the grief in her face, her downcast lips, and the shine on the creases under her eyes could almost be teartracks. She’s got such great eyelashes too, and with her face at a downangle and having such dark eyes, you don’t see much light reflected in them, and that really adds to the sense of loss here.

JACKIE: The bitch who stole my life. The bitch who stole my joy.

AND I LOVE THIS LIKE… The dramatic music swells, the slow zoom-in of the camera, the way that Leslie Jones does these full-fucking expressive face journeys here, we see her widen her eyes but also furrow down her eyebrows, twist back her nose, scrunch up her face, really show her teeth gritted or in a sharp snarl, it’s so goddamn good.

And then the sudden relief from the music, the camera pulls out, and we get that fucking incredible comedic relief of tension:

JACKIE: But it’s not like you had anything to do with it, right? (laughing and easy, then going serious) Like you helped her… set it up? (leans forward with one elbow on the arm of her chair, cigar up, expression serious)

Samson Kayo is so good at stammering through explanations and apologies, he just plays nervousness and uncertainty so fucking well. I love how good he is too at making himself so small without fully scrunching in on himself — he’s leaning back in his seat here and his head is bowed but you just see him contracted inward, eyes downcast. I love it.

OLUWANDE: I barely even knew the bitch — Oough.

Because Jackie’s got her hand on her gun lmao.

I really love how the camera cuts here between the gun, Oluwande’s growing panic that he’s trying desperately to repress, and then Jackie’s slow, deliberate talk with the shot of her face as the music comes up again…

JACKIE: … at the same… time…

OLUWANDE: I KILLED HER!

And then cuts out, and we go back to the diegetic background playing of Jackie’s band of husbands in the bar rather than the extradigetic dramatic swells.

I would kiss every episode director of OFMD on the mouth (in this case and two others, Nacho Vigalondo), and I hope they know that.

I love how we focus on Jackie’s face as Oluwande blusters through his lies here, calling Jim gauche and whatever — even when the camera comes out a bit to show Oluwande’s face as well, we’re still focusing on Jackie to the right as she takes drags of her cigar and exhales. Her expression here is so expectant and cool, and especially because we know in retrospect that like. Her whole plan was to pull Jim back, that she knew Jim’s ego would draw them back, that she may or may not already know that Jim’s over there in a silly wax nose and beard, but she’s putting on a show and not letting Oluwande know that she knows, because —

Where would the fun be in that?

I die over poor Olu here too because he does this thing a lot, he does it here, he did it with the mixed drinks thing, where like… Oluwande’s generally like, a really easy-going and cool guy, he’s gentle and kind, but also he’s really quite pragmatic and sensible?

And there’s a thing that often comes up with his dialogue, especially anywhere he’s put on the spot or suddenly expected to lie, where he contrasts much harder, more violent or “masculine” language with stuff that we associate with more gentility — just thinking of how he goes from calling Jim a bitch (and the way he almost stammers on the plosive sound in bitch, like he’s not used to saying it) and then immediately goes to “gauche”; ditto just a few minutes before where he starts at crime and diseases and then de-escalates to “poorly mixed drinks”.

It’s obviously like, funny, it would be funny if anyone did it, I’m not trying to avoid the joke here in order to look for the character analysis — I just think it’s funny that these are the jokes we regularly see with Oluwande where he’s fully aware that there’s a much more masc role people expect him (or expect men in general) to occupy, but it’s just not his priority to learn how to perform it or desire to perform it. That’s not the kind of guy he is.

Oluwande in part comes off as so down-to-earth compared to figures like Spanish Jackie and also to Ed and Stede in large part because he’s not concerned with his own legend or the construction thereof. He just wants to enjoy bedtime stories and have a chill time and enjoy things while they last, and unfortunately he’s in love with Jim Jimenez, who will get him and them into peril every fourteen seconds for the rest of their lives.

JACKIE: I appreciate that, kid. It was fucking kinda gauche.

She’s soooo right.

JACKIE: You know, Jackie got feelings too. (pats her chest) Jackie is a person also. (licks her lips, turns to let her gaze linger hungrily on Jim) What about your sexy little friend over there? You gonna invite him over?

JACKIE IS A PERSON ALSO. 🥺😭

Like.

Just the fucking… Just the fucking thing of telling someone hey, I have feelings, I’m also a human fucking being, same as you who got my husband killed, but I’m using the third person to say this, because I can’t just use the personal pronoun while talking about my feelings, that’s way too close to the bone!

And then immediately segue into boning who is blatantly Jim Jimenez.

Oluwande is just so trapped in this situation and it’s so funny, I feel so bad but I just want every bad and awkward thing to happen to Oluwande because every time something does it’s so funny.

STEDE, singing: Barkeep!

GERALDO, bitchily: What?

STEDE: Uh, please, bring us a round of your finest wine.

Obsessed with this scene and the way that Stede is trying sooo hard to be cool with his eyebrows and his little confident smile and Geraldo is just like. Oh my God who let this posh cunt into my bar I have shit to do. What is he even talking about. What the fuck.

It’s so funny to me that Stede refers to Lucius as “my boy” like, so Nathan Foad, Samson Kayo, and Vico Ortiz are the youngest members of the cast at 29, 31, and 30 respectively, and obviously a minute ago Jackie was calling Oluwande “kid” as well, but it’s not really about age here so much as it’s about Lucius occupying a role apart from the rest of the crew as Stede’s scribe/diarist/personal attendant/valet and all the class nonsense that goes into that. It’s just the fact that it’s so possessive but also degrading when Lucius Spriggs is an entire adult man.

Geraldo doing such a tired customer service voice here going, “I mean, we serve that. Do you want blood?” is also so fucking funny.

Literally, like… The way Stede just looks around all the fucking jars of organs like…

Babe, you know beer exists, right? Ale? Grog? Fucking, I don’t know, whiskey? You know that you could have just asked for literally any goddamn alcohol imaginable and not just pointed at a jar full of severed human noses and been like “Ah, this tasty-looking stuff! On the double!” because you’re an idiot and you’re trying so hard to look confident and sexy?

Also, he’s probably never drunk beer in his life, what am I talking about? I bet he’s never even opened a wine bottle himself.

STEDE, turning back to LUCIUS: It’s good, isn’t it? (scrunches up his face with enthusiasm) Being amongst proper maniacs.

LUCIUS: (looking very uncomfortable, grimacing subtly, trying not to make eye contact)

STEDE: No amateurs here, Lucius.

LUCIUS: (fake nod of agreement when Stede leans into him, sarcasm followed by desperate smile)

My poor little fucking guy, trapped with the manager from Hell.

Lucius’ little “Hm?” when Geraldo says what the nose jar is is so fucking funny, especially because he continues to gag in the background as this next nonsense unfolds, my poor guy. Geraldo so obviously knew they hadn’t clocked what it was too, you can really see him fucking enjoying it as they drink it and then ask.

IT’S MY FAVOURITE SLUT.

IZZY: I’ve a few colleagues in there.

Adore how he just invites himself into the conversation after scurrying in like the leather-clad rat he is, and God, the way Stede turns to look at him, you see that moment of dawning realisation and then he sighs because it’s fucking Iggy again. “You again!”

And Izzy just sluttily tosses himself back against the pillow, teeth on show, looking all confident as he looks Stede up and down.

GERALDO, simpering, completely different to his bitch routine with Stede: Mr Hands! It’s been a while.

IZZY: Yeah. (saunters into shot with Stede, looking pocket(-pussy)-sized.) Because I hate this fucking place. (looks back to Stede) But for some inexplicable reason, my boss would like a word with you. Bonnet.

And meanwhile Nathan Foad is continuing to gag in the background because he’s a goddamn professional. So fucking funny.

UGHI HATE STEDE SO MUCH.

STEDE: Well, everyone wants a piece of the gentleman pirate. Get in line!

I do think that Izzy intentionally deceives Stede by not specifically saying “My captain is Blackbeard, the Blackbeard, yes, that Blackbeard” but also like… Literally everyone knows who Izzy is. The thing is, yes, Izzy is lying to Stede, but also, it’s literally Stede’s fault for being such a shit pirate that he never asks anybody.

Like, Geraldo obviously knows who Izzy is and it would have taken nothing to be like, “Hey, who even is that guy? Who is his boss?” from Geraldo if not to ask Izzy himself, but instead Stede prioritised being a bitch, and more importantly to Stede, prioritised his own constructed new character and his imagined reputation rather than trying to get a basic feel for the environment he’s in and the people he’s around.

He just swans in entitled to everything he sees, expecting people to take on this reputation he’s trying to say he has not by deed or action, but just because he’s posh and he said so, and I literally do not blame Izzy for not telling him.

It was bad for Izzy to lie to Ed, sure, but like, not even lying to Stede, just not holding his hand and tying his fucking shoelaces for him? He’s completely fucking justified.

I like how we shift the camera angle to show Stede’s face with Izzy blurred in the foreground — it really emphasises the height difference between them without actually angling the shot to look up into Stede’s face.

STEDE: I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, Iggy.

IZZY, snarling like the dog he is: Izzy.

STEDE: Whatever! I don’t care! But we’re busy at the moment, fencing our remaining hostage! AKA, the one you didn’t manage to steal.

So fascinated with the tone Stede’s using here because like… It’s meant to be a brag? He’s trying to rub in Izzy’s face that he’s still got one hostage left and they’re trying to sell him, but like —

What the fuck does Izzy care? He doesn’t give a shit, he’s not here about that, he’s not trying to steal the hostage or even looking over at the hostage when Stede points at him. Stede also doesn’t come off as being that smug, he just sounds annoyed at Izzy, blaming Izzy for them only having one hostage left as if Izzy’s meant to care or feel guilty for having nicked one.

It’s like — I don’t know, these weird crossed wires here where Stede is functioning on a very different level of understanding of etiquette and what people would feel bad for versus Izzy.

IZZY: So, I’ll tell my captain that you’re declining then, yeah?

STEDE: Or, tell him he’s got terrible taste in flunkies, and he can go suck eggs in Hell.

Obsessed with how Geraldo’s placed between Stede and Izzy in this shot and the fucking expressions we see Fred Armisen go through here, the way Geraldo looks shocked and then just fucking horrified, and then awkwardly looks between Stede and Izzy like, um? Does this moron even realise what he’s just said?

Like, I have no doubt that they all see wannabe pirates acting harder than they really are all the time, but like… Not posh ones with as much money as Stede has. It’s just strange and disconcerting.

Love the position Izzy takes after this line anyway, his hand on the counter, the way he leans his head to the side to show off the sparrow on his neck as he looks up at Stede, the way he leans in to whisper, “Gladly.”

ALSO Stede almost forgetting what’s in his glass and bringing it to his mouth and being like, wait, no, and putting it down. What an idiot.

JACKIE: Alfeo de la Vaca! One of the best that ever done it!

I love this line. I love the… implications.

JACKIE: He was a saint. I keep an altar to him in the back, with a couple of his mementos.

I love the bait in this line — it’s not just the fact that Jim immediately gets eyes on them like a cat hearing a mouse scurry in the wall and the Spanish guitar starts playing as the camera dramatically zooms in on the archway, but also like… An altar? Calling de la Vaca a saint?

The Catholic bait… I love it.

I would exchange unlimited sexual favours for a genuinely well-depicted Jewish Izzy Hands in S2 and I feel like if they make him religious they’ll make him Catholic which sucks because his name is Israel and the Jacob story just fucking fits so well with Izzy’s character because of all the things that are so wrong with him and also his worship of Ed and also the shadow Ed casts apart from his own self —

But I will settle for Catholic Izzy because either way, he’s just. He’s such a meaty little religiously-traumatised guy, just look at him, and I’m so hype for S2 and the dynamics between Jim and Izzy specifically from a religious perspective when Jim has so many self-worth issues and concerns about their purpose in life and what they’re allowed to want and desire versus what they’re allowed to be, and also what they think is like, right?

And I really like that we don’t see that from a perspective of gender conflict, that that’s easily affirmed by their Nana, but that their central thing is more about what they desire and what they’re right to desire, contrasting revenge as a broader desire and specifically a duty versus their personal desire for peace and affection with Oluwande, and what means they will go to to avenge Oluwande depending on how long they think he’s dead for.

I personally think that journey and the conflict with Izzy will be much sexier and more fun if Izzy is just as fucked up and religious but from a perspective of Jewish guilt rather than Catholic guilt because I literally never see enough interesting depictions of the Catholic-Jewish relationship dynamic and I know that this writers’ room would almost undoubtedly be able to depict it in a really funny and real way but —

Ah.

We shall see.

Does Spanish Jackie know Jim is Catholic? Does she care? Is it a priority in her mind when she mentions having an altar for de la Vaca — is she Catholic herself? Did she already have a home altar and just add stuff specifically to memorialise de la Vaca? Does she light a candle for him?

Like, how different was de la Vaca from her other husbands? When she says favourite, does that mean most beloved? Genuinely loved?

I WANT TO KNOW.

Obsessed with how terrible of a fucking actor Jim is and how even as Jackie gets up they’re so blatantly concentrated on the door, like, I know that they and Oluwande aren’t young young, but it’s so funny to me how young and uncontrolled they come off compared to everyone else, especially Jim who’s so like, incredibly chaotic and very impulsive, but who wants to seem very controlled and scary? I love that so so much, even more so with their parallels to Izzy.

I love that Oluwande really thinks here that it’s just Jim wanting to get one over on Jackie and to prove they can sneak in and then leave again, that he just thinks it’s a matter of Jim’s ego, whereas for Jim like, yes, they’re very intent upon their ego and pride, but most of all they want their family’s dagger back?

And GOD, the way they fucking knock over the tankard and then clumsily jump up and rush off with all their legs akimbo like a cat, like… What a fucking icon.

And Oluwande is just so… lost. Like, to be fair to Oluwande, literally what are you meant to do with that?

The cut to Stede and Lucius and Lucius undercutting Stede by accident going, “From who, the prostitute bloke?” after Stede says they’re expecting another offer really does crack me up. Lucius and Stede have such a funny dynamic where Stede thinks Lucius is his obedient servant and Lucius thinks Stede is a fucking idiot, and one of them right, but what’s great about these dynamics is when Stede continuously invites Lucius to participate and interject with his own ideas and opinions — which is for the best, because Stede is about as useful in 99% of situations as a chocolate teapot — but also sometimes wants him to be quiet, and also sometimes like —

Wants him to go along with the plan without giving him a heads up as to what the plan is.

STEDE: (gay hand flourish) Take it, or shake it!

Disgusting. I want my own Stede Bonnet that I can keep on a keyring like a Tamagotchi.

LUCIUS, alarmed as these two dudes start fighting: Should we attempt to lower the temperature, or…?

STEDE: No, no. Don’t be scared. This is a bidding war!

LUCIUS: Okay, it’s starting to look like an actual war!

STEDE: Think it through, guys, please!

Obsessed with how Stede pretends to be completely cool with this but he still jumps up, like, just the absolute nonsense in this epiosde, I swear to God.

I love how Jim talks to Alfeo’s corpse as if the pendejo can hear them, it’s so fucking funny, and then rifling through the corpse, like… Good lord. They’re just so ridiculous and overdramatic and I support them in all of it.

JACKIE: I knew you was a thief. (strides forward, big smirk) But I loooves me a thief.

AND THE WAY JIM’S EYEBROWS RAISE AND THEIR LIPS PRESS TOGETHER, like, God, Leslie Jones and Vico Ortiz match against one another so well because they’re just so incredibly expressive and they’re so fucking funny. I just dig so much how Jim is very surprised at this development but is also like —

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound!

And Jackie like, obviously knows Jim is Jim at this point? Like, she’s aware of who they are, and so like.. Does she actually want to just fuck who she thinks is Bonifacia, or is she just really into this bearded look, or does she think that this is just big banter?

Like I love the layers of deception and fuckery and performance here when we know that at some point Jackie knows, but like, at which point?

Geraldo is so fucking tired over everyone fighting.

The band members are more of Jackie’s husbands! They have her brand on their faces!

I die so much over Lucius literally physically fucking hiding behind the fucking concertina player and scrunching down behind him, but God, the way that Stede like, throws up his collar when he says, “I’ll intervene!” like, literally, what is wrong with you? I love him. I hate him. I bring the topic back to my wringing his neck like a pigeon’s.

Vico Ortiz’ acting when they’re pushed back against the pillar is so goddamn wild to me, Jim’s face is obviously slightly hidden from Jackie herself by the brim of their hat, but their eyes are so fucking wide, their mouth is open even though we mostly can’t see it because of the beard, but also like… The fucking body language, the freeze of the shoulders as they pull back, the pressing back against the pillow and the uncertainty about engaging back as they let themselves be examined and seduced. The height difference is so funny here too.

And of course, dead guy in the foreground for max comedic effect.

JACKIE: Relax… You’re stiff in all the wrong places…

So funny, especially as she’s caressing Jim’s cheeks and Jim is obviously wondering if Jackie’s about to pull their beard off and then goes up to “scratch” it but is very obviously making sure it’s still attached.

“My noses!” is the funniest fucking delivery, I swear to Christ.

I adore too how Jim is so flustered and unsteady as they turn themselves around, they’re obviously feeling some sort of way and very weak-kneed at having been nearly seduced by Spanish Jackie and it’s so funny to me. They’re just discovering all sorts of unexpected things on this journey of revenge.

In this one case I will defend Stede Bonnet, because like —

STEDE: Lucius, can you please help me pick these up?

LUCIUS, audibly attempting not to be sick: No, I’m not gonna do that, sorry.

So, it’s not actually Stede who knocked over the nose jar — it was those guys fighting and getting carried away, and Stede trying to intervene and get them to stop; and in the aftermath, Stede is actually trying to clean it up, picking them up and holding them in his hand, because he knows that the nose jar is important to their proprietor.

In this one (1) case, I’ll be like, alright, well done, Stede. He did not deserve a knife to the shnozz.

Rhys Darby can do the most cartoonish goddamn shit with his eyes, I swear to fuck, the way he zooms in on the knife under his nose is incredible.

Especially turning slowly to look at Jackie, and like —

JACKIE: The fuck is you supposed to be?

STEDE: Hi, I’m Stede.

LUCIUS doing his gay henchman lean-in: He’s the gentleman pirate.

JACKIE: Well, I got bad news for you, Genital Pirate. I’m about to start a whole new nose jar.

I love Lucius’ little breathe-out and genuine distress in this scene, he’s so freaked out — Stede has been making him miserable all afternoon but he doesn’t want to see the man get de-nosed, that’s so icky.

And God, Geraldo is such a fucking bottom, he’s the biggest bottom in the entire goddamn series, the way he just moulds himself to Jackie’s back and leans his cheek in against her shoulder and simpers, what an absolute mess.

GERALDO: 🥺 Uh, baby —

JACKIE: Don’t say that. Don’t call me that.

GERALDO: Well, I just figured, since we’re married, and —

JACKIE: None of my other husbands have a problem with it. Do not call me that in here.

I like this because like… One might suppose the implication is that Geraldo is a relatively new husband and a new addition to the dynamic, and that this hasn’t come up before — or perhaps that Geraldo didn’t work in the bar before? Especially because Jackie isn’t being like, really angry or snapping at him, she’s being extremely firm and cool about setting the boundary here and especially with the appending of “in here” where there’s that separation of work and the personal — it’s an extension I think of Jackie’s construction of her personal mythos, where like…

Being called baby in a public place like this by a husband would be potentially demeaning and unprofessional, it does undercut her impact even though it’s from the biggest bottom who ever lived with the most humungous eyes imaginable.

I like the quick exchange here between Geraldo and Jackie here, though, that Geraldo is cutting in to deliver some very important info and they’re having this rapid tête-à-tête with the camera angle showing that Stede’s still there but isn’t a part of and isn’t able to hear what’s going on, it’s a really great way of establishing the “freeze-frame” moment whilst also being clear to us, the viewer, that time hasn’t actually stopped.

I love that you can see Jackie thinking so seriously about this too, trying to understand what the fuck Blackbeard, of all people, would want with this guy — and obviously like, it’s crucial that everyone in the place knows Izzy Hands by sight and knows he’s Blackbeard’s first mate, that he’s an extension of Blackbeard.

SHE WIPES HER DAGGER ON HIS CHEST, God.

Anyway at the same time as this, I love that we see Lucius looking across from Jackie and Stede and see Jim tapping Oluwande and pointing over — even if Lucius reads lips, which to be fair, is definitely within the skillset I would expect of him, it’s probably pretty hard for him to read Jim’s lips under their beard?

So regardless, what he’s seeing is Jim nudge Oluwande and nod toward the dagger, and he knows that earlier on Jim and Oluwande were specifically arguing about the loss of their family’s dagger.

Lucius is quick, he’s quick on the update, and in that flash of consideration as he looks from Jim and Oluwande back to the blade, you can see him doing th mental arithmetic.

STEDE: Thank you so much.

JACKIE: Shut up. You’re an idiot… and you’re banished. Do not darken my doorstep again.

fhsjkgh wait I just noticed how there’s groans of frustration and disappointment when Jackie stops going to cut his nose off, lmao, that’s so funny.

When she’s saying he’s banished Lucius’ gaze is down on the blade, and you see him push out his lips as he’s thinking, and then after he’s gone, “Can I just squeeze past?” and he does, you can see him bring up his hand, flare out his sleeve, and secrete the dagger in it, and I fucking love that. Sweet, slutty little pickpocket, what a champ.

They were right to throw shit at Stede.

CUT to Blackbeard’s Brooding Parlour.

Why is Izzy holding a pufferfish? Just because.

IZZY: He’s not interested in meeting.

ED: What?

God, the emotion Taika packs into that fucking single word, I swear to God — his voice is relatively soft and there’s not that much resonance in it, so when he says What? he sounds hurt and upset more than angry or raging, and I die over that when we know the state of Ed’s self-esteem and how important his reputation is to him.

IZZY: I explicitly told him… (starts playing with a candle because he’s a slutty little masochist) Blackbeard desired his company.

ED: But does he know who I am?

IZZY: Seemed to, yeah.

Obsessed with the fact that like, yes, Ed clocks that Izzy’s a lying little bitch who loves to lie to him, but also like… He’s assuming that Stede might not know who he is because he’s so obviously ignorant of everything important. Like, he’s not asking that clarifying question just because Izzy’s a manipulative liar and he’s not even sounding that accusative when he asks it — he’s asking because it genuinely does seem like something an idiot like Stede wouldn’t know.

I really like the positioning of them in the room here too, the way that Ed is on his feet and looking over the counter at the side out of the window and Izzy is sat at the desk — just the fact that there are multiple writing surfaces in the room is really interesting to me, because like… do they go over charts or logs and ledgers and stuff together, in the same office, or what?

ED: And still, he said no.

IZZY: You can “go suck eggs in hell” was his response, I believe.

ED: (soft exhalation) Fascinating.

Oop, Izzy, you’ve miscalculated lmao.

Because if Izzy hasn’t lied to him and Stede genuinely does know who he is and is saying shit like that, then, what the fuck? Ed has got to meet this guy. And if Izzy is lying and is desperate to keep him from meeting this guy then, what the fuck? Ed has just got to meet this guy.

STEDE: I’m starting to think you’re not the only one who’s not cut out for this, Lucius.

He’s such a fucking bitch, and the way Lucius gives this little nod and then looks so fucking tired because like, you could just say you’re a useless cunt without bringing Lucius into it, babes. You could just not be a dick for once.

CUNT BRIT: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Anyone could break a nose jar.

STEDE: Well see, this is what I’m talking about! You and I, we shouldn’t have this kind of rapport!

The way Lucius is just fucking dead-eyed between these two absolutely kills me, I want Nathan Foad to get all of the acting awards, he’s so fucking good.

STEDE: No! (Lucius smacks him and looks at him like, wtf?) Wait, yes!

Lucius doesn’t get paid enough.

This moment is so interesting because it shows that Stede is on the cusp of a character development he’s not yet ready to embrace — he immediately wants to sell the British hostage, but when he goes, “You’re not actually considering this, are you?” Stede reneges — you can see in his expression it’s not because of any moral compunction, you can see his eyebrows move as he considers his answer, but like…

Ultimately it’s still about reputation and his unwillingness to leave one world for another. He is not yet ready (or not yet able to consider) leaving his gentlemanly reputation and background for this piratical one. The Brit is using this rhetorical question and that judgemental, loaded tone, “actually…” “are you?” to basically shame him by implying it’s not preux, that it’s not the done or right thing.

Stede is still hanging himself on the rules of a world that was always and will always be hostile to him and even as he’s actively attempting to leave it, he’s still just going through the motions because he refuses to see, or isn’t learning to see, the lingering framework that’s binding him by the old rules, rules that don’t have to apply anymore, if he doesn’t let them.

And that’s the rapport thing, like, he thinks that it just comes from nowhere rather than because he’s repeatedly opting into those rules of social engagement, and he’s doing that because he sees someone like this, even sunburnt and beat up, and his instinct is to earn his approval and stay in his good standing even as he’s literally trying to sell the bloke as a hostage.

Geraldo’s thing about balls is… such a lot.

GERALDO: I’m gonna shoot you straight, man. When you first came in, I didn’t think you had balls. At all.

STEDE, sighing: Yeah.

LUCIUS: (losing the will to live)

GERALDO: But when I saw how you handled yourself with Jackie, I was like, “Oh, man, he’s got balls! For days!

STEDE: (embarrassingly sweet little smile) Really?

GERALDO: Yeah.

LUCIUS: (awkward smile because wtf is this gay shit, he’s gay but he’s not gay like this)

BRIT CUNT: (smiles because he thinks he’s involved)

STEDE: Balls for days! (little grin) Maybe I do.

You don’t.

GERALDO: Listen, I, I got a little bit of, um, a side hustle with an exclusive client, but he only deals with… refined types. Like yourself. (turning on his heel to walk away) He’s gonna love you.

The way Lucius looks at Stede like, Christ, are we seriously doing this?

GOD THE WAY LUCIUS IMMEDIATELY TRIES TO MAKE SURE HE’S GENDERING JIM CORRECTLY, I’M SOBBING. Guy, lady, well, um, person —

And I’m dying over the fact that Oluwande didn’t clock that Jackie was holding the dagger because he was kind of busy hoping they didn’t all get killed, but Lucius clocked it because he, like Jim, is a feral little gremlin. Well done, hombrecito.

LUCIUS: Um, I was just wondering whether your dagger had, um, something on the handle, a family name, maybe? J — ?

JIM: Jimenez. Qué pasa?

LUCIUS: Uh, well — (musically) Haaaaa!

JIM, voice cracking: You found it.

He’s so funny here and so cute and dramatic where like…

Like I was saying in the last episode, Lucius is incredibly insecure about his position on the ship in E1 and E2, working for Stede really stresses him out but he’s extremely concerned about the rest of the crew not liking him and viewing him the same way that they view Stede and the additional risk that puts him under. He wants so badly to be accepted by the rest of the crew and for them to see him as one of them — which isn’t just a purely pragmatic thing, but is very naturally a desire for community?

Especially because we also see Lucius sitting quietly with Oluwande a lot, I do sort of wonder if Lucius particularly craves Oluwande’s approval because he realises even in this moment that of the crew, Oluwande would be the best captain among them, that he’s just got the best natural leadership skills.

Give me Captain Oluwande, First Mate Frenchie, and Lucius and Jim and Pete and Wee John, yes? Gimme?

Lucius really is leaning back and looking across at Oluwande as he goes and shrugs his shoulders and wiggles his hips a bit, saying he’s a bit of a pickpocket.

JIM, grabbing LUCIUS and glaring at OLUWANDE: Now this… is a good friend. (kisses LUCIUS)

LUCIUS: (wide-eyed homosexual panicked desire)

OLUWANDE: (offended and confused)

LUCIUS: Oh my God… Okay, wouldn’t that be crazy if I was suddenly like, into Jim? (laughs)

OLUWANDE: (slams the door in his face)

LUCIUS: Okay, alright then!

Poor Oluwande fhsjdkg. Oluwande, don’t you see? Lucius doesn’t want to steal Jim from you, he wants to share Jim with you, and share you with Jim, and ideally, be shared between you!

It cracks me up so much that Jim implies here that Lucius is a good friend whereas Oluwande isn’t when Oluwande has literally just been trying to keep the both of them alive this whole time, God.

I love how casually Geraldo points at Jim and goes, “Let’s bring that guy” as if he doesn’t know, it’s such a good bit of performance from him, and like… Especially this idea that Jackie and Geraldo can’t kill Stede themselves because Blackbeard is interested in him, but they can bring him to a third party and just let him die?

That’s just life amongst pirates!

The plates of tapas are so fucking funny and I love what they imply to us about the depth and breadth of Roach’s skill in the kitchen — like, of course Stede would put most of his focus into finding an extremely good cook, but I’m obsessed with the complexities of Roach’s skill and how wide his range of knowledge and ability is, and the fact that he’s also insane. That’s just what chefs are like!

ROACH: I made an assortment of tapas.

STEDE: Tapas means little plates.

GERALDO, tired: Yeah, I know about tapas.

ROACH: They’re like catnip to Spaniards.

STEDE: O ho, exactly! Besides, a gentleman never arrives empty-handed.

Yeah that’s the real reason you go everywhere with your proverbial dick in your hand, you absolute bellend.

Roach is so cute, he’s so fucking enthusiastic about everything all the fucking time and I want to smooch him, especially because he’s just like… Hype he gets to showcase his culinary expertise for a pirate meet-up, it’s so good.

Stede obviously very focused on getting sketched, God.

I love that ominous harpsichord when Stede realises he’s fucked it and then gets stabbed. That little sob is so good.

“Did — Did you mean to do that?”

Stede.

Stede, come on.

I think we see the subs here because we’re seeing from Jim’s POV, because we know from later on that Stede doesn’t have Spanish, especially because yer man says “this is how we handle pirates” and stabs him and Stede like, misses that entirely. Like it is him being in denial, but this plays back to him operating on an outdated ruleset, like —

Among gentlemen, something like that would never happen! But these aren’t gentlemen. They’re navy folk and pirates.

I fucking love everyone’s horror as Geraldo pulls off Jim’s fucking wax nose, they’re all being so dramatic and OTT about it and it just kills me, especially because Jim is uncomfortable but isn’t fucking screaming like Roach or Stede are. Lucius stood beside Roach like, “Ugh, this sucks.” but not being OTT about it at all.

ROACH: How would I know that!?

LUICUS: Oh, thank God it’s out. (relieved laughter) I’m so bad at keeping secrets.

I love how indignant Roach is like, he’s right, how the fuck would he know that? This poor fucking guy.

GERALDO, after getting spat on: I’m actually super into that, so… thanks.

He’s so… something.

GERALDO: Jackie made you straight away. She just wanted to watch you sweat a little bit. All she had to was set a low bounty, sit back, and wait for you to return.

JACKIE: Adios, Bonifacia. (burns her cigar against Jim’s portrait)

GERALDO: You can’t fool her. She’s Jackie. The love of my life. And she’s got the biggest balls of them all.

I love this little speech from Geraldo, like… He’s so pathetic and chewable but he’s so devoted to Jackie and I really like that aspect of him — it would have been really easy to have a character like him undercut her, or imply that he’s only with her and part of the harem to get ahead, but no, he’s got this feral loyalty to her that’s so complete.

Now, admittedly, we do not get the impression that he’s a favourite of hers, and this particular task is obviously putting him at risk, but —

Still.

I love that he loves her and thinks she’s so smart and thinks she’s amazing and the love of his life and has big balls. Good for him.

STEDE: Any last words?

JIM: Yeah. You’re the worst fucking pirate captain in history.

fhskjjgh SEE I love this because like… Is Stede right to turn around after he’s gotten these three killed after him, and basically beg them to affirm him and tell him they think he’s great? No. Extremely selfish and shitty of Stede, self-centred as ever.

But this whole scenario is also Jim’s fault. Like, Jim got made by Jackie because they went right into Jackie’s with the worst disguise imaginable! And they’re annoyed and angry they got caught, so they’re taking it out on Stede, and it’s so fucking funny.

No accountability for Stede or Jim! Accountability is for other people!

STEDE, nodding: I deserve that.

Fucking love that the captain thinks it’s funny they’re doing that, God.

AND BLACKBEARD’S CREW OF SEXY LEATHER DADDIES. I adore the way this is shot, the way it cuts around all the chaos and Stede grossly dying and him getting further away from his family, the camera going glowy at the edges of the screen, he’s on the floor, he’s out of it…

And coming slowly out of the haze, thudding footsteps, a dark shadow with an extremely sexy leg brace and the hottest cocked-hip pose, this gorgeous hair —

And the way Taika puts on a deep gruff voice for this cracks me up, like, yes, Ed would want to come off as soooo masc and impressive, soooo butch.

ED: The Gentleman Pirate, I presume.

STEDE, delirously happy in his final moments because he got some recognition: You’ve heard of me?

ED: Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of you. I’ve heard all about you.

This shot of him is so fucking gorgeous, too, the way he’s leaned forward, the way the camera is looking back at him with all this smoky light behind him, the shine in his eyes, the perfect part of his curls and the way they fall into and shadow his face just a little, all the black and grey in his beard and hair, the slightest of smiles on his lips — and the way Stede beams up at him as the Beach Boys start to play!

Cut to black, gay shit over now.

God, I fucking. Aaaaah, these fucking gay pirates, I swear to God. They will be my cause of death and I will be grateful.

See you next time.