Repost from Medium, originally published November 2022, which is why I look so young and fresh-faced in the pictures, unlike today. Evidently I missed this one in my original porting over.
Approaching Grindr (and cruising culture) as a trans man.
As a trans man I’ve been using Grindr for years, and especially in the past year I’ve been way more sexually active — I’m two years on testosterone now, and I pass pretty consistently as a cisgender man, but I’m out as trans on Grindr. With that said, I was using Grindr pre-T and I still got a lot of engagement from other men, so I want to make it clear that there’s no like, required surgery or amountof HRT to make you “allowed” to use Grindr.
There are absolutely transphobes on the platform, and there are people who don’t like trans men or other trans people, who aren’t interested in us, but neither their feelings nor their whining about it are Grindr’s own policies, let alone the feeling of every person in the community.
You might have seen my Twitter thread last month delving into this topic, and this piece is gonna be covering much of the same ground while delving into a bit more detail!
Hoping this guide will be useful and a good place to start if you keep downloading the app and not getting any further!
So here’s some sections out:
- First Things First — a disclaimer about me and the difference between Grindr and other apps or spaces you might have been in
- Building Your Profile — split into subsections covering your profile pics, your nickname, your profile body, your tags and tribes, and your profile survey.
- Glossary — covering a bunch of common terms on Grindr, and also the tags.
- FAQ — some general questions about using Grindr, especially how to deal with chasers, how to find other trans people, some safety considerations, etc.
First Things First
I just want to start with a few disclaimers — first, a few things about me, and then something about Grindr as a whole.
About me: I’m a binary transgender man and I’ve been on testosterone for 2 years, and I pass pretty consistently — I’m also white and very thin, and while Grindr in many ways can be a great space to meet with other men and queer people, it can be super racist, super fatphobic, and tend hugely to body-shaming. I’m not targeted by a lot of this, and while I’m able to talk about handling transphobic abuse, I can’t give super useful advice about navigating that, but it’s very much present, and I don’t want anyone to go into using Grindr or any other cruising and dating apps without considering that as a potential factor in their risk assessment.
As a binary trans man who’s used Grindr at various states of passing, all the time pre-surgery, I’m pretty aware of how to navigate various chasing and transphobia, but I don’t have the same experience as someone who’s nonbinary, as other trans masculine people who aren’t necessarily trans men, and don’t know anything about trans women or transfeminine people’s experiences either — I would hope this guide might still be useful for you if you’re not a binary trans man, though!
I also want to say that I’m from South Wales, and I mostly use Grindr in the UK and Ireland — I am not from the US, I have never been to the US, and I am not going to be talking about US cruising culture or US experiences, or most other countries.
Some things about Grindr —
Grindr is not the only cruising app for men who have sex with men (MSM). There’s others like Scruff, Jack’d, etc — I use Scruff as well, but Grindr is the most popular where I’m from, and in my opinion is the easiest to use, and I also think it’s got some pretty extensive trans-inclusive options.
I do want to be entirely clear, though, on one point:
Grindr is not the same as a dating app.
You can absolutely date on Grindr. You can absolutely find long-term friendships and relationships on Grindr. I know people who’ve been together for years who met on Grindr.
But Grindr is not a dating app. Grindr does not “match” you to people. You do not swipe left or right. There is not an expectation on Grindr of long-term relationships or dating from the out.
Grindr is a hook-up app, and is an evolution of traditional cruising culture — the tradition of men seeking out (typically public) places to have sex with each other. Cruising in the UK and Ireland (and elsewhere) developed broadly because male homosexuality was illegal and treated incredibly punitively, and longer term relationships, especially with people you were close with, were far less safe than meeting up anonymously in certain spaces with other men.
There’s a long history to cruising culture as we know it, including gay cottages, not to mention the current culture in bathhouses and saunas, and Grindr — and other gay hook-up apps — are a natural evolution of that culture, even though we don’t necessarily meet up publicly or have sex outdoors anymore.
Grindr is, first and foremost, to find people you want to fuck, and then to fuck them, often as soon as possible. It is the equivalent of Deliveroo for your cock and hole(s). It’s quick, and convenient, and casual — you can totally have a longer slowburn on Grindr, you can date off of Grindr, you can take things slow, but it’s not for that.
For people who are used to other kinds of sex and dating, and especially for trans men who aren’t used to being desired as a man and expecting reciprocated desire, it can be a culture shock.
Sometimes, I’ve seen people go on Grindr and then get upset, because, oh my God, all these guys are just immediately talking about fucking, and can’t we get to know each other first?
Sure, absolutely you can!
But don’t be surprised that most people are on the app to fuck each other, because that’s what the app is for.
Building Your Profile
Let’s start with building your profile!
There’s 5 main elements to it:
- your profile pictures
- your nickname
- your profile body
- your tags
- your survey answers
PROFILE PICTURES
You can put up profile pictures immediately, or you can keep your profile blank and send photos to people you’re interested in. If you feel more comfortable with initiating chats than with people messaging you, the latter is a great place to start.
You’ll see on a lot of people’s profiles and nicknames variations of NPNC, which stands for No Picture, No Chat, and a lot of people will say they only chat, or only meet up if people have face pics, whether that’s on their profile or sent directly.
For your profile pictures, you can absolutely have face pictures and full-body pictures — in general, I would avoid putting up photos of yourself with other people unless you’re looking for partners as a couple or something. Generally, it’s best to put pictures of yourself up solo, and especially not in a big group.
You can put up a picture of yourself looking your best in your favourite outfits or underwear or whatever — you can put up body pics and not put up face pics at all. Grindr’s guidelines are that you’re allowed to pictures of yourself in your underwear or posed sexually, so long as they’re not pornographic. They’ve got a guide about what exactly this means here.
I would note this particular passage as a trans man who’s pre-surgery, but is able to have shirtless profile pictures on Grindr with my tits on show:
A note on gender and nudity:
We are working towards gender-inclusive photo rules for our community instead of holding men, women, and nonbinary people to different standards. Unfortunately due to the current app store policies, we must include women’s nipples as a prohibited nudity category in our photo policies. Men and nonbinary people are allowed to show their nipples.
(Emphasis mine.)
If you’re super into a particular kink or are very proud of a specific feature, it’s a good idea to post photos that emphasise that — if you’re into spanking, have your butt on show; if you’re into leathers, put up a picture of you in your leathers; if you’re proud of your body hair, or proud of how hairless you are, or you’re super into your tattoos, etc, put up pictures that emphasise those features!
Change your profile pictures as much as you want, and remember you can also rotate them around and change their order, as well — if you don’t want to have a picture of yourself, loads of people put up cartoons or memes or whatever, or, of course, just have it blank.
Some people don’t want to send any photographs at all, or only want to send photos of themselves below the neck or below the waist — they might be worried about blackmail or being exposed as gay, they might be worried about the embarrassment if people find out they use Grindr or have casual sex, etc.
A lot of people on Grindr are Discreet or DL (down-low)/lowkey — basically, guys who either aren’t out as queer, or if they are out as queer, they’re not out as having casual sex on Grindr — especially if you’re looking at other newly-out trans people, they might not be out as trans, even if they’re out as gay or queer!
Or… (and) they might be cheating on their partners. You never know.
There’s a bunch of other reasons why someone might not initially put up photos of themselves on their profile — a lot of cis men of colour, a lot of fat men, and many disabled men (especially men who use mobility aids or have clear accessibility tools in pictures) might avoid having public profile pictures for the same reason that many trans people might, even if they’re white, thin, and abled: to avoid fetishisers and/or bigots messaging them on sight.
A basic safety note on that point — if you have your face out on Grindr and you’re tagged as trans or whatever, but you’re stealth or closeted off-Grindr? Remember that anybody can see that. All they need to do is download the app and scroll through, and of course, people can send and circulate screencaps.
Grindr uses location services to show you the people closest to you, and while it starts mixing things up a bit once you’re within a very close range of somebody, someone could absolutely use it to figure out your approximate location and get closer to you — there’s literally a scene in Cucumber a few years ago where they work out which gay club a guy must be in within a certain radius and drive to different ones to find him.
So, consider that!
How comfortable are you with people you know — friends, coworkers, queer family members — knowing that you’re on Grindr? How comfortable are you with them seeing your kinks attached to your face?
I’m obviously very open about my pictures and also my tags and profile, but I’m a professional author that writes loads of erotica and writes beginner’s guides to slutting it up on Grindr — I’m very much the opposite of discreet, but it’s a sliding scale! You might prefer to be a bit more buttoned-down.
Grindr is a relatively anonymous app, but some people do use it just to be a cunt, so think about your safety as you go.
Now, note that your PROFILE PICTURES are publicly shown on your profile, you can post up to five or you can post one or you can post none — you can also send pictures directly by instant message, and Grindr even has a Snapchat-like feature where a picture is only viewable once and then is no longer available.
You can also have an album of up to 10 photos which you can allow people access to — this is a convenient way to send people access to a bunch of photos at once without sending them individually.
A lot of people use albums for nudes and sex pics, or fetish pics, separate to less explicit profile pictures, but you can use your album however you want!
YOUR NICKNAME
Your nickname is not a username. It is not unique, it is not searchable, you can change it as much as you want, or even leave it blank. Your nickname shows on top of your profile picture on the main scrolling deck, and it’s only 15 characters, so it’s a very at-a-glance read, much like your profile picture.
You can put your name in it, your mood, what you’re looking for, your location (if you’re out at a particular event or club, or if you’re in a particular town), et cetera, et cetera.
You’ll notice that mine says “looking for 🐻” — looking for bears.
Because your profile particularly is such a limited space, people use emojis as code, so let’s jump into the ones that are most used:
🐻 is fairly obvious, and people also use 🐔 to refer to twinks — “chicken” as a synonym for twink comes from Polari, but I honestly have never seen it on Grindr myself.
⬇️ or 🍑 normally stand for a bottom; ⬆️, 🍆, or 🔝stand for a top.
If you’re vers or if you’re a side (someone who doesn’t top or bottom, and doesn’t engage in penetrative sex), you might use the ↔️🔁 emojis.
💦 often refers to cum.
👀 stands for “looking for”.
🚗 can mean they drive/are willing to travel, and might also mean they’re into sex in their car; 🏠 often means they’ve got a free house or can accommodate a hook-up in their home; 🛀🚿 might mean shower sex, but might also be used to indicate they’re interested in sauna or bathhouse meetups. 💩 might refer to scatplay.
Variations of leaf emojis, such as 🍀🍁🍃 or any of the others, can refer to weed, although a lot of people will also use codes like 420 or green.
💉or 💊 might refer to other forms of chemsex (sex on drugs), so especially be aware of those emojis if you use them in your profile to indicate how long you’ve been on HRT or your T date, the same way you might on other social media.
🚭, the no-smoking emoji, might be used to mean “no smoking” as in literally, but they might also use it to communicate that they’re straight-edge/sober, and don’t engage with drugs at all.
For US Americans, crystal meth/methamphetamines are really common across a lot of MSM in different areas, and if you are in the US I’d look up the different variations of code for meth — 💎 (crystal) is an obvious one, and people also use codes like ParTy, with T referring to the meth, so be aware of that when mentioning T for testosterone, too.
There are also emojis that might be used to say someone is looking for a sugar daddy or looking to be a sugar baby, or they’re sex workers, so especially the 💵💲💰 emojis and similar.
Soliciting for sex work and illegal drug use are both against Grindr’s terms of use, thus why a lot of people end up using a lot of encoded language and why that language changes frequently, so there might be specific codes to your area that you’ll just have to learn as you go.
YOUR PROFILE BODY
So, what do you put in your profile?
Anything you want.
As with your profile picture or your nick, you can just leave it blank, if you want. This is mine:
The banned emoji obviously stands for “no”.
You’ll find some regular stock phrases in profile bodies, especially ones like mates and dates, which I imagine is common to the UK and Ireland and isn’t used elsewhere — in the US, you’ll probably see more like “friends and more”, et cetera.
You might raise an eyebrow at how many people say they’re on Grindr to make friends, but like… I’ve made loads of friends on Grindr, it’s a great way to connect with other queer people at events even if you’re not hooking-up, and especially if you live in an area that lacks gay bars or other centralised queer spaces, Grindr is a very direct connection to other nearby queer people!
It’s worth putting in your profile who/what you are, what you like, what you don’t like. Anything that people will be able to glance at and go “oh, we have that in common!” or, “oh, we don’t match” and move on. Some people will put immediate hard kinks, others will put more stuff about their personality, their hobbies, their work, et cetera.
It just depends on your preferences, how open you are, what you’re into, et cetera.
Here’s some profiles I grabbed at random:
“Clean and safe” is another stock phrase — “safe” might mean they use condoms only, and “clean” probably means they’re HIV-negative and are tested for STIs regularly.
Notice how they both clearly state what’s important to them and what they think is the most vital info — the first guy says he can travel and accommodate, notes that he prioritises safety; the second guy prioritises people’s personalities and the kinds of dates he’s into, and also clearly states a note that’s based in respecting other people’s boundaries.
To answer his question — all kinds of people hook up on Grindr, who look every kind of way, who are all kinds of ages and appearances. People on Grindr can be just as shallow and judgemental and bigoted as anywhere else online or IRL, but people can also be sound and fun.
I will say that even when you talk through things, you might then meet up and find that you just don’t click — that the other person has weird vibes, or just that you’re not that attracted to them, you’re not as horny as you thought, you’re just no longer in the mood, et cetera.
You can always say, “hey, sorry, I’m not into this” and head out — it’s your body, your choice, your boundaries, your autonomy, and the other person might always change their mind and back out too.
For me, one of the things that’s wonderful about Grindr is how real and varied people’s bodies are, I don’t have to deal with the creepy airbrushed Instagram types, and it’s just more visceral and so much more based in actually attractive men rather than walking talking camera filters — and the variety in trans men’s appearances when I actually see others on Grindr (normally when I’m in one of the big UK cities) is sooo wonderful.
YOUR TAGS AND TRIBES
Okay, so, I am gonna go through a lot of stuff that’s relevant to the tags in the Glossary section, so I’m just gonna go through the very basics here.
You can add up to 10 tags to your profile, which people are able to search for — these are different to your Grindr Tribes, which I’m gonna get to in a minute.
Your tags might refer to aspects of your personality, your hobbies, or your kinks — you select tags from what’s already available on Grindr, but you can suggest new tags!
Tags can be nice to use at a glance, but I only personally use them for kinks — some people use like, the “extroverted” tags, but no one really searches for those, so if you’re stuck for space, definitely skip those.
There are a few trans tags that are most relevant: trans, ftm, mtf, and t4t. I personally don’t use the trans tags except for t4t — chasers search the trans tag and search the ftm tag, but because t4t is trans 4 trans, cisgender chasers don’t really touch it.
It’s frustrating that we can’t really rely on the ftm tag particularly, because I’m a gay man and the general trans tags and Trans tribe are dominated by transfeminine people and also by sissies, crossdressers, etc, but that’s also just because there simply aren’t that many trans men active on Grindr! We’re a rarity in most areas, although that is changing and we are becoming a bit more common.
So, onto your tribes!
Okay, so. People have regularly engaged with Grindr and asked them to change the term from “tribes” to something else because it’s fucking racist, and Grindr keeps ignoring them, but do just keep it in mind in your day-to-day.
Tribes on Grindr loosely describe your presentation, and what you might look like at a glance — some people also join them based on what appearances they’re into or attracted to. You can join up to three!
They are:
- Bear — Big, hairy men.
- Clean-Cut — People who dress and groom themselves very “neat” and look“respectable”. (In my experience, the clean-cut tag in Ireland is often full of assimilationist gay Fine Gaelers who are dressed in the FG uniform of suit, blue shirt, and unflattering short haircut.)
- Daddy — Older men who may or may not be DILFs.
- Discreet — People who are discreet/downlow, who are not open or out as queer.
- Geek — Nerds, geeks, etc.
- Jock — Gym sharks, big exercise people.
- Leather — Leather enthusiasts, people who love leather kink.
- Otter — Hairy men who are not as big as, whether slimmer or just with smaller frames, than bears.
- Poz — People who are HIV+. Poz was in use as a Grindr tribe a long time before PrEP and PEP existed, and a lot of HIV+ people used to specifically seek out other HIV+ people only, and would be concerned about stigma from HIV- people. It’s still in use, but PrEP has obviously changed many people’s approach to HIV.
- Rugged — Typically very masc people.
- Trans — Transgender, but also transsexual and crossdressers/transvestites, plus chasers.
- Twink — Men who are slim and not very hairy, particularly young men.
- Sober — People who don’t use drugs or alcohol. Sober is particularly useful for recovering addicts.
I personally don’t use the Trans tribe to avoid chasers — I just tag myself as Geek and a Twink.
Your Survey Answers
You know what I’m gonna say before I say it.
You can fill as many of these out as you want, or you can leave them all blank.
So firstly, you can fill in your Stats — your age, your height, your weight, your ethnicity, your body type, your preferred sexual position, your tribes, and your relationship status.
You can choose not to show your age! Lots of men lie about their height and weight, and lots of people leave ethnicity blank — white people often just assume whiteness, but a lot of men of colour, especially mixed-race men, might avoid filling it in because they don’t want people to ask weird questions, and the options aren’t extensive, etc.
Your position might be the one you’re least used to filling in, and the options are:
- Top — You prefer to be the penetrating partner.
- Vers Top — You mostly prefer to penetrate, but also like to be penetrated.
- Versatile — You like both equally, are flexible.
- Vers Bottom — You mostly prefer to be penetrated, but also like to penetrate.
- Bottom — You prefer to be the penetrated partner.
- Side — You don’t like to penetrate or be penetrated vaginally or anally. You might only be interested in frotting, masturbating, oral, etc.
There’s a bunch of relationship options in the relationship section, and some people who are cheating on their partners might be listed as Married etc, but also remember that some people use Grindr to match up with friends, and also a lot of people are polyamorous, have open marriages, play with their partners, etc.
Your Expectations are simple enough — you can say what you’re looking for (to Chat, Date, etc), where you’re comfortable meeting, and whether you Accept NSFW Pics.
Some people do send NSFW pictures without checking if you’re open to it, unsolicited — if you’re not okay with that, always just block them. I do think the culture has changed in the past few years, and way more people ask me now than just randomly send cockpics, but I personally have my NSFW Pics set to “Yes Please” because I’m a slut, so. ❤
Identity is split into three loose categories — Man, Woman, and Non-Binary, and underneath any of these you can pick out custom options. So you can put Trans Man from the drop-down, but you can also write in your own descriptor under “Man” like “Transmasculine” or something, and it’s super flexible!
The actual gender category you pick is also separate from your pronouns, so putting yourself down as a Man doesn’t automatically show He/him pronouns — you can pick from the drop down he, she, or they, and you can also write in custom pronouns too!
The Health section is great — you can put in your HIV status and when you were last tested, and you can set reminders for Grindr to remind you to get tested every 3 or 6 months!
You can also note that you’re vaccinated for Covid-19, Monkeypox, and Meningitis. Grindr is generally pretty great at public health messaging relevant to men who have sex with men, and as Monkeypox awareness has changed and shifted, Grindr’s been great at sending updates as health messaging has changed too!
And the last section is just Social Media, which is pretty self-explanatory.
Glossary
Here’s Grindr’s own tag glossary. It overlaps with this one, and this one is in a random order, basically just to scroll through. These are hot and fast and loose definitions, and a lot of them will differ a litle bit from place to place, depending on how people talk or think about them.
Use CTRL+F if you need to search for specifics.
- twink — a slim, hairless or not very hairy man, possibly referred to as a chicken in Polari
- femboy — a femboy is often a young man who’s very pretty/beautiful, with feminine mannerisms. A lot of femboys might be mistaken for transfeminine people or might also be transfeminine. Femboys often crossover with twinks as well, and there is an expectation sometimes that all trans men are femboys.
- bear — a big, hairy man. There’s variations on bears like “cubs” (young bears) and polar bears (older bears whose hair is turning white), etc
- otters — slimmer, but still hairy men, normally a bit bigger than twinks
- twunks — crosses between twinks and hunks — a pretty face and a more muscular build
- wolves — wolves are lean, muscular, and hairy, and the main thing they say that distinguishes them from otters is that they’re “sexually aggressive”, but if you’re into omegaverse and cringe on main then you’re in luck
- bulls — GIANT muscle men who basically look like minotaurs and are so hot
- pups — normally people who are into petplay as subs; a leatherpup particularly will normally have that petplay explicitly linked to their interest in leather
- chaser — so “chaser” can refer to anybody who chases after someone based on a specific trait or traits. When I complain about chasers, I’m normally talking about cisgender men who chase trans people — they often fetishise or objectify trans people based on our transness. Some people will say that only trans women deal with chasers, and they would be laughably incorrect, especially given that a lot of chasers put all trans people in the same “genderweird gets my dick hard” objectifying category.
- accom/host — Yanks normally say “host”, but “accommodate” is more common in the UK and Ireland — if you can host or accommodate, it means that they can come over to yours to have sex.
- BB — bareback (sex without condoms)
- PreP — Pre-exposure Prophylaxis, a medication taken to prevent contracting HIV if you’re exposed. Most people who regularly bareback take PrEP! PrEP is taken every day as a rule, but there’s an emergency once you can take just after exposure (eg if a condom breaks) called PEP (Post-exposure Prophylaxis).
- CD — crossdressing/crossdresser
- TG/TS/TV — transgender, transsexual, transvestite. Cis people often treat these as all the same thing, but remember that for a lot of older people the lines of transgenderism and gender nonconformity are very different, and the culture for a lot of us around transition has changed hugely over the last few years, especially the past 10 to 15 years.
- TW/TM — trans woman, trans man.
- JO — jerking off
- WS, watersports — piss play, urine kink
- scatplay — poop kink
- hung — big cock
- t4t — trans people seeking relationships with trans people (you might also see anything else like daddy 4 daddy or hung 4 hung, the typical masc4masc)
- FWB — friends with benefits (friends who have sex)
- LTR — long-term relationship
Frequently Asked Questions
Before actually doing the FAQs, let’s get look at some assorted tips.
Firstly, use the block button liberally.
Block anybody who looks weird, block anybody who annoys you, block anybody who you just don’t find hot and don’t want to message you. Blocking is a method of curating your Grindr to your preferences, and if someone does make you feel uncomfortable or weird, blocking them just means they can’t message you or message you first.
Unless you’re a premium Grindr user, the number of profiles you can see is limited at three scrolls on the main page, and only 6 profiles on the Fresh section — if you block people, their profiles no longer take up real estate. The people blocked are gone, and you have more space to scroll through people you’re actually interested in!
Bear in mind that people frequently delete and remake their Grindr profiles — they might do so intentionally to evade a block, but a lot of people just get frustrated and come back to remake, etc.
How does a typical meet-up go off Grindr?
There honestly is no “typical” or universal.
If it’s a meet-up for coffee or drinks, we meet up for coffee or drinks, we chat over them. Talk about each other’s lives, what we’re into. Then maybe go somewhere else, like one of our homes, to fuck — or maybe we just meet-up and chat and it’s more of a date.
If it’s a meet-up at someone else’s house or at mine, a lot of the time we’ll be in the bedroom or wherever, we’ll talk about what we’re into, often while touching each other. There’s an understanding that we’re meeting up on Grindr to touch each other, so… we just start touching.
I’m not hugely into kissing on the mouth, and I’ll often state outright that I don’t care for it, although it does depend on the partner, and when I do kiss it’s not with tongue — so a lot of people normally start out kissing on the mouth and touching each other; for my meet-ups, it’s normally a lot more talking each other and kissing each other’s necks and touching each other.
Maybe we take our clothes off, maybe we suck each other off, maybe we jerk each other off, maybe we fuck, change positions, etc. I’ve used vibrators with partners, etc.
When we’re doing a more worked-out roleplay, we’ve normally negotiated in advance over text, so we might jump right into being in-character — otherwise, we might have a quick chat before hand and then jump into being IC.
If that seems fast or sudden, then… Yeah.
Hook-up app.
How do I talk to people about being trans on Grindr?
There’s no universally correct answer to this one.
I personally send nudes and people can pretty much see what I’m working with — some men will ask if I’ve had surgeries or not, they’ll ask how big my cock is once they see a picture of it (it’s not very big, it’s just a lot more defined and penis-like than many people who aren’t used with t-dicks expect).
A lot of men straight up ask, “What holes do you use?”, or I normally open saying I prefer vaginal sex to anal because it’s more convenient and I’m fundamentally very lazy.
I will say that like… it’s worth remembering that if you’re having sex with cisgender men, they might not be up on a lot of transgender language. They might not know what different surgeries are — there’s a lot of cis men who might think that “top surgery” refers to the surgery to make you a top — to give you a cock.
Bless their cotton socks.
I do think with that in mind it’s worth being clear about language and setting boundaries about what language you prefer if you do have strict preferences — say “oh, leave my front hole alone, just go for the back one”, and most of the time people will just go with that.
Cisgender men also have places they prefer to be touched or not to be touched, and it’s not on anybody to read your mind or on you to read anybody else’s — if you’re not sure, ask; if you want to set a boundary, say it out loud.
The point of a hook-up is to have fun together, trans or cis, and the best way to do that is to make your preferences clear so that everyone can have fun and not make each other feel unsafe or uncomfortable!
Can I still use Grindr if I’m pre- or no-T, and haven’t had surgeries?
There’s nothing in Grindr’s rules to say you can’t.
Depending on how well you “pass” in random people’s idea of what a man looks like, some people might be shitty about it, but that’s just because they’re shitty people, not because you’re doing something wrong, but you can always just not post public profile pics and only message other trans people or whatever.
I used Grindr when I was pre-T, I use it now 2 years on T. I know men who’ve had top surgery and use it, but I haven’t, and it’s not caused me a problem.
If anything, I get a preponderance of compliments about my chest that try hilariously hard to be affirming of my masculinity at the same time from cis people who are not great at this.
Will people on Grindr want to touch me when I’m a trans man?
I’ve had a bunch of Grindr hook-ups, I would say that less than 10% of them, the other guy didn’t at least ask to suck me off.
A lot of men on Grindr have touched cunts before — the ones who haven’t are often very curious and interested in them. A lot of guys might be particularly interested in your dick if you’re on testosterone and have had significant bottom growth, let alone if you’ve had meta or phallo.
Men are normally very confident (perhaps too confident) about fingering me and playing with my cock, but a lot of them even without having had sex with trans men before will treat it like a small penis because that’s what they’re used to, so they will suck it like a cock, they will jerk it like a cock, etc.
A lot of men have been pretty interested in my tits, given that I’m pre-surgery, but I would say that most of the time people do actually ask if it’s okay to touch them first, and do go “Oh, yeah, I won’t,” if I say I’d rather they didn’t.
A lot of transphobes will basically wail and go “ohhh gay men don’t want to fuck trans men” and like, a) plenty of gay people are totally into fucking trans people of all kinds, and b) there’s plenty of people who aren’t gay men on Grindr, e.g., other trans people, etc.
How do I tell someone I don’t want to be touched somewhere, or that I don’t like a particular activity?
Say, “I don’t like to be touched here,” or “I don’t enjoy this activity.”
You don’t have to say why or give people the backstory or justify it, just “no” is more than sufficient. I have a hip injury and tend to warn partners I have to be careful about certain positions, and I’ve met with men who really hate certain sounds or certain ways of being touched, who don’t like to be held in certain ways, who have super sensitive bollocks, etc.
You can say it over text before meeting up, or you can say before hand. As well as saying “I don’t like this” or “please don’t do this,” do also say what you do like!
Also, make sure you ask the other person if they have any boundaries or things they’d rather not do, make sure you’re checking in. Model the consent preferences that you prefer, but communication is a two-way (or more for group sex) street, so check in and encourage check ins as you go.
I would say that if you don’t feel confident advocating for yourself in a situation, and don’t feel you’re able to set boundaries, if you fear that you’ll freeze up with a partner and not be able to tell them something you need or that you can’t deal with, I would say that a Grindr hook-up is perhaps not a great place to try to work out those issues.
For some people, the anonymity of the situation makes it easier to communicate — for some people, it feels like more social pressure! Work out your own preferences and what feels safe and okay for you.
How do I know if someone’s safe to meet up with on Grindr?
Easy answer: you don’t.
What you can do is be risk-aware, and do your best to moderate that risk as you go. Here’s some safety tips:
- meet in a public place if you can
- know what someone looks like — get a face pic or video chat first, etc
- don’t share your address/location until you’re about to meet-up
- either know that someone else is home, or that you can quickly contact someone in an emergency, if you’re meeting up with someone
- always bring your own condoms, don’t just rely on the other person to have them to hand. If you have a latex allergy or use giant straps or something, that goes double!
- to reiterate the above point, use a condom on your strap. Not only does this make clean-up easier and make it safer to share toys between people, dildos can retain odour even after they’re cleaned, and a condom can stop that retention.
- if you’re barebacking, make sure you’re on the same page in regards to PrEP/PEP
- testosterone is not a contraceptive, and if you’re having vaginal sex and haven’t had a hysterectomy and/or salpingo-ootherectomy, you need to be using some form of contraceptive
Also, if your condom breaks and/or you’re sexually assaulted, you might have difficulty getting both Plan B and PEP, so just make sure you’re prepared to go to 2 pharmacies or something — I’m pretty sure this is a pharmacist bigotry/ignorance thing rather than to do with drug interactions, but I know some people who’ve been refused Plan B and PEP at the same time on the basis that only gay men can have HIV, and only women can get pregnant, so how could you as a trans man be at risk from both HIV and pregnancy?
Grindr is a very anonymous app, and anonymous meet-ups always come with their risks — some people do troll Grindr just to hurt queer men, and you’re also at additional risk as a trans man from potential bigots.
There is no way that you can just guarantee complete safety, so just be as sensible as you can while you’re assessing risk. If something feels off or weird, trust your instincts and back out.
What’s the point of Taps?
Great question, one many of us ask ourselves.
The Tap is basically just a “like” button for someone’s profile — it’s an easy way to show your interest in someone without messaging them first.
Some people do it if they’re not sure they’re your type, so you can message them first — some people are just lazy pillow princesses who want to be wooed!
Some people don’t look at or respond to taps, and some people do — it’s kind of like a wave without saying hello. Some people use the tap to try to get your attention if you haven’t responded to their message and they’re trying to remind you, etc.
There’s no specific meaning to the other Tap icons — most people use the flame tap because they don’t realise the others exist, so it really doesn’t matter.
Do I have to send nudes?
You do not.
Some people send nudes, and some people don’t — some people send nudes without their face visible, or send ass/genital pics but not bigger all-body nudes.
One nice thing about Grindr, as I mentioned before, is that you can send pictures or videos that can only be viewed once and then they delete — screen recording does exist and you’re not guaranteed it won’t be shared, but it does mitigate some risk.
But also, plenty of people never take or share a nude in their life, you certainly won’t be unusual if you choose not to!
What do I do if I see someone I know on Grindr?
Other than meet up with them for sex?
But no, it’s no big deal — if you see someone you know, you can just block them, and they won’t see your profile; you can just ignore them.
Sometimes friends of mine will message me on Grindr and be like “Yooo Johannes you’re in town!” because it’s location-based so seeing me on Grindr will be the first they hear of it, and I think that’s cute.
We’re all adults, we can be grown-ups and mature about sex — maybe you’re shy about certain kinks on your Grindr, maybe your profile is anonymous and you don’t want someone you know to message you by mistake, and understandably, you don’t want your friend, coworker, or family member to see your Grindr profile — no matter what, you can just block them.
It’s not mean, it’s not unkind, it’s not rude. Grindr is a casual sex app. If you are not interested in having casual sex with someone, you can just block them. It’s grand.
How do I deal with chasers?
Some people fuck chasers — I definitely think there’s degrees to how much someone is weird or uncomfortable. Some people are fine with being someone’s fetish or someone specifically getting off on them being a man with a cunt or whatever.
How do you know if someone’s a chaser?
I’ll be honest, if I see a cisgender man and he’s found my profile via the ftm or trans tag — which you can tell when he messages you — I put him in the chaser box and normally just block. If a cisgender man’s profile says he’s “into Trans and femboys” or something similar, I normally just block. If a guy says he’s into “smooth” — which means hairless — I normally block, because I’m hairy as fuck, and he’s only assuming I wouldn’t be because I’m transgender.
A lot of people aren’t being intentionally weird or unkind when they have this shit in their profile, or even when they ask stupid questions — a lot of cis people are just ignorant as fuck, and don’t know shit about trans people.
You will have people who think you’re a trans woman, because they think “transgender” = trans women exclusively.
But some people who are chasers just act weird as Hell — they might feel entitled to touch your body or think about it in a certain way, you might be an “experiment” in a way that feels uncomfortable for you, they might want to ignore certain boundaries (eg, not wanting your chest touched, not wanting your front hole penetrated), etc.
One of the tricks that I use to see if a cis man is gonna be a freak is I just correct him on a bit of language. I personally am pretty indiscriminate about the language I use for my body parts, but I might correct him on a small thing — if he calls it a “clit”, I might say “I prefer cock, actually”; if he says “Pussy”, I might say, “call it a cunt, please”.
If he has a tantrum about it or generally acts like a bellend, that is a sign he’s probably going to be worse about other boundaries I set.
Aaaaand that’s about the long and short of it.
If you want to ask any questions, feel free to jump in below in the comments, and I’ll do my best to help!
Follow me on Twitter.
And if you’re interested in exploring your sexuality a bit more as a trans man — might I suggest my massive guide to vulvar and vaginal stimulation, which includes a lot of notes about bottom growth and being trans?
Ringing The Devil’s Doorbell: A Light-Hearted, Practical Guide
Let’s talk sex! Vulvar and vaginal stimulation for fun, pleasure, and profit.johannestevans.medium.com
Leave a Reply